It’s all Monday as fuck up in this Monday re-cap, get your Monday on. Man, it’s hard to make Monday sound good, even Lil Jon & Dingo couldn’t hype up Monday’s status. Fuck it Monday, you’re on your own here. Ellis feels funny, but he’s okay, it might be a tough day because he has absolutely nothing to say – only 3 hours and 58 minutes left to go! Ellis does love his prostitutes though! But he couldn’t be one, maybe in Nevada at a bunny ranch for dudes or something, but not like a real high dollar whore. Hey, people love watching Mike Tyson fights, even still to this day, but people also still love the guy – if you see him on TV, you stop to watch. If you hear him, you stop to listen. What if he took over the Rawdog chair? Ellis was on TV this weekend, but not really. They showed to Terracross racing shit, but he was like 12th so they never bothered to show the back of the pack. Tully spent 3/4’s of his weekend at dealerships. Yes, he just got a new car, but now his wife needs a new car. They’re both in love with the color grey, hence their child’s name, but this time they both went with black – time will tell if they’ll ever go back. Jellybeans, where do you lean on those things? I don’t care. Ellis met some hippy dude that claims he was the 1st person to bring kakow (?) chocolate to America. Apparently he’s also immune to poison ivy. Must be that kakow he likes to chow? Ok, enough kakow talk for now. See what I did there? You don’t care. Some chick broke into Keanu Reeves’ house to take a shower. Why? Because he’s Keanu man. Val Kilmer got chunky and then lost a bunch of weight by walking. What was he doing before, riding around in a Rascal? Getting pushed in a stroller for adults? Tully’s work laptop is on the fritz, it’s administered by Sirius so that should come as no surprise. Corey Feldman thinks he’s got the singing chops, but he doesn’t. He murdered Aerosmith’s “Dream On” and miraculously, as bad as Corey is as a singer, the band was even worse.
Horse Force tickets in New York City are still on sale. Kenda Perez may not be there, but she is on the phone right now to talk about this past weekends UFC fights. Cooney McGrooby did in fact deliver on his promise of a first round knockout. The dude’s super cocky, but I guess he backed that shit up (not his ass) so I guess he gets a hall pass there. Let’s face it, Chael is one cocky mofo, difference is he loses his fights. OH! Ellis & Kenda have not spoken since their date, which of course means it went very well. Anyway, Dominick Cruz was back on the under card after like a 3 year absence and beat the shit out of that Japanese dude, Toyota Kawasaki. Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone kicked the shit out of Eddie Alvarez, of course you know about Quarter McPoundy & his win, and the super tiny, super fast, black Mighty Mouse dude beat up the other gnat in the ring. There were more fights, but hey, I’m not Ariel Hellwanty or whatever his name is. Overall, it was a pretty entertaining UFC, there were a few hiccups, Tim Kennedy got fucked by a truck, and there were a few boring fights, but other than that – good to go. So this weekend was also soccer dad weekend for Ellis, that’s pretty much all he did, besides take a shit ton of cold & flu medicine. Oh and some dad was yelling shit to his kid during the soccer game like the kids life was on the line. Ellis reads this book to Tiger called, “Ed & Ted & Ted’s Dog Fred” and it’s a lot like a Dr. Seuss book with all the word rhyming and shit. Basically, Ed hates Fred and Fred hates Ed and I think Fred bit Ed on the head and Ed was like, fuck you Ted and fuck you Fred, get out of my shed. Ed & Ted are gay lovers, both drive red cars, and either Ed or Ted is a power bottom. I don’t know, the book makes no fucking sense. What does snow and shed have to do with ass fucking and an ornery asshole of a dog? Some where in the book, Ed, Ted, or Fred might be dead – eaten by whale named Ned. WHAT. THE. FUCK. MAN!? Ned just ate two gay dudes and an asshole of a dog. Again, for a children’s book, there’s a ton of death and gay anal sex.
Christian swingers, they say God uses them to spread his word like spreading a chicks’ legs. And STD’s. Kids, next time you wonder why mom & dad keep going to church on Friday & Saturday nights, they might not be there reading hymns, but they could be there singing the Lord’s praises as they get banged out like tomorrow was the end of all times. Katie don’t stand for no prayer bullshit, figuratively and literally. I guess at the car races they asked everyone to stand and bow their heads in prayer for something or another and she didn’t. It wasn’t that she didn’t, it was because she was so angry about it that Ellis thinks there might be an underlying issue there. Ellis just tries to avoid confrontation so he may not believe in it, but he’ll do it just to keep the peace and not look like a godless heathen. Both Katie and Ellis have their points and whatever. I don’t care either way. Oh, hey, Cumtard said he was going back to work today, but we have yet to hear him – I don’t know if that means anything or nothing so don’t ask me. Last week, these ultra-orthodox Jews delayed a flight from JFK to Israel because they didn’t want to sit next to women. Those damn ultra-orthodox Jews think they run barter town and they’re actually super fucking racist. It’s crazy. Steve-O has made his way into the studio and immediately brings up the Tas Pappas documentary that took every opportunity possible to shit all over Tony Hawk. He talked about how he’s still sober, how he’s pretty much over his comedy schedule, but still has dates left, and his addiction to sex. Turns out, he has a “travel buddy” who keeps him away from drinking, drugs, and blowjobs. A professional cock blocker you might say. He hasn’t even jerked off in almost a year and he has an app to keep track of it. After his year long, self imposed abstinence campaign, he’s going to be dropping loads like it was monsoon season in Bangladesh. Although, likely, the first time her jerks off will be a sorry experience, Ellis related as he abstained from sex for a whopping two months & tried to jerk off and it was sad, depressing experience. Kind of like getting drunk and deciding it’s a good idea to fuck you mum. It’s just a completely depressing experience that sticks with you forever because she is truly on the bottom rung of the hooker ladder. OH!