Everyone loves a good drama.

Everybody was abuzz about it. Everybody was talking about it. Some people even lost their shit about it. Literally. Shit was everywhere. I think even TMZ almost covered it. But since they didn’t, we will! Prepare yourself for the dramatic re-telling of yesterday’s incident that is now being hailed as “The Douchening”. Actually, I made that up. I don’t think anyone is calling it anything. I’m not even sure anyone cares about it anymore, but they sure did yesterday! So let’s find out what exactly happened. Put on your detectives cap, bust out the magnifying glass and pipe Sherlock, we’re going to crack this case wide open!

Timeline of events:

• At approximately 3:45 PM Central, one Mike Tully read a news story about a new social network that costs $9k to join.
• Said social network sounded pretty douchey, Mike Tully and his accomplice Jason Ellis were busy making douche jokes just before the next segment started, which involved one Christian James Hand.
• At approximately 3:50 PM Central, Mike Tully segued from the story and into Christian James Hand’s introduction by uttering, and I quote, “Speaking of douches…” Just after that, Jason Ellis had pushed the intro button for Christian James Hand. The plot thickens!
• Jason Ellis then was heard by millions to have said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Clearly joking.
• Christian James Hand retorts with, and I quote, “You’re all being very clever.”
• Jason Ellis then responds with, and I quote again, “Uh oh, it’s a bad for us to be doing that.” Talking about the “douche” introduction.
• During the jokes an audible noise could be heard, after some investigation, the source of the noise had come from a microphone being unplugged. DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNN!
• “What the fuck is that? It’s unplugged.” exclaimed Jason Ellis.
• “I don’t know why…” starts one Freddie Wilson Pendarvis III.
• “Because he hit it when he sat down.” retorts Jason Ellis.
• “Don’t touch the merchandise.” said Mike Tully.
• “I believe you Christian, but… that only happens to you.” accuses Lord Pendarvis.
• “I saw what he did, he fuckin’ bumped it because we hit a button where he was a douch.” accuses Jason Ellis.
• “No, I didn’t, I didn’t… wow, I mean… I don’t have to be here today gentlemen, I’m not getting fuckin’ paid so I don’t have to show up.” threatens Christian James Hand.
• “Oh, douche the fuck off then if you’re going to swing with that attitude.” delivers Jason Ellis.
• “I’m just sayin’, I didn’t touch the microphone!” defends Christian James Hand.
• “You did, you smacked it with your hand because you got pissed because we hit the fuckin’ button!” demands Jason Ellis.
• “Have fun, have a good radio show gentlemen.” said Christian James Hand as he storms out of the studio.
• “Fuck off moron!” said Jason Ellis.

There were a few other things said, but they were unimportant, but that is overall the gist of everything said. After Christian left, Ellis, Tully, & Will were left wondering why the douche thing set Christian off so easily. Minutes later, Christian comments on one of his Instagram posts: “…for everyone to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that. Thankx for all the comments.” Later that same day, Christian then posts this his Instagram. That post certainly appears to be Christian acknowledging he made a mistake by walking off the show.

Now, before going any further and before anyone starts laying blame or chastising someone. I’m pretty sure things are just fine between Ellis, Tully, Christian, & Horse Force. These things happen. And these things usually work themselves out. Don’t you fret your pretty little heads about any of it, because I’m sure none of them are.

So. Everyone still have their detectives hat on, magnifying glass out, and pipe in hand? Good. Let’s start speculating our asses off!

Unbeknownst to many fans, and maybe Christian too, OfficialJasonEllis.com was running the entire time so people could see and hear everything that went on, including during the breaks. Armed with knowledge really sheds new light on the whole situation. And god damn it, we’re going to find out who is to blame for all this and we’re going to shame that son of a bitch! The answer just may surprise you, it might even shock you! *queue dramatic music*

As soon as Christian walked into the studio, Ellis could see a look on Christian’s face. This is why Ellis said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Tully & Will did not see Christian’s face, they are not facing the door into the studio, only Ellis is facing that door. Ellis, Tully, & Will were still all smiles at this point. Everyone teases each other there. None of this is out of the ordinary. And I believe Christian when he said, “…to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that.” So what was it, what set him off? I’ll get to that soon, hold your horses… forces.

Then the microphone came unplugged. I’m sure it was on accident and it probably happened just because it was already loose. If you remember, Hotdog and Will both used that microphone before Christian even came into the studio. It worked fine for them, but maybe one of them accidentally knocked it loose, but not disconnected. Or maybe it was something else. Who cares. That’s not really the point.

I can already hear you saying it. “Yeah, but Ellis got pissed right away at Christian for what could have been an honest mistake!” If you’ve been listening to show for any amount of time, you know that for years now Ellis does not like any weird sounds or poor sound quality. This is radio. More specifically, this is his radio show, his baby, and he takes pride in it like anyone would. He’s trying to make sure the show is run as professionally as possible, without glitches, or at least as few as possible. Do you not take pride in your work? You should. Otherwise you’re probably not doing it right.

So where are we? Christian walked off the show and it wasn’t because of the “douche” button. I don’t even think it was entirely Ellis claiming Christian hit the microphone, sure that part didn’t help, but I don’t think that was the sole reason. Rather, a specific combination of things, piled on top of what really did seem like a bad day for Christian, previous to him even being in the studio. Clearly, his fuse was short that day. I think Christian also recognizes that he may not have handled the situation in the best way. His second Instagram post seems to back that theory up. And Ellis wasn’t wrong for telling Christian to leave. As a radio professional, you don’t go another radio professionals show to do your own segment and say that you’re not even getting paid and didn’t have to show up, and then walk off – leaving the other’s scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do in your place. Especially to the guy who is willing to give you a shot at your own 1 hour show along with 2 of your friends.

But what about this chain of events? Who was responsible for Christian walking off? Are you sitting down? Because I am about to shock the world when I tell you the god damned son of a bitch that caused the whole situation. It was none other than… WILL PENDARVIS!!! That’s right! That meddling WILL PENDARVIS!!! Right when he told Christian that the microphone coming unplugged only happens to him, Christian’s brain shut down and went into defense mode. The situation had no other place to go but dissolve into a “No, you are” match between two mongrels. I hope you’re happy with yourself Will! You think about that. You think about what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt. When you’re done, I expect you to apologize. You apologize to Ellis, Christian, Tully, Hotdog, the fans, matter of fact, you call up Piolin and apologize to him as well!

See? I told you we could do this! We have used our super detective skills to solve a mystery, lambaste the god damned son of a bitch responsible for this whole situation, and totally blow the whole thing out of proportion. Now we can all move on and look forward to friendships, Horse Force, and a show in New York!