You’re not fooling me, Tony Stewart!
Yay. Monday. I’m here to recap the shit outta TJES for your asses. Ellis got pulled over in the Porsche after he got back from his racing weekend, however he got let off with a warning, so shout out to cool cops. He was still in racing mode, driving with one foot on the break, and one on the gas, hey! Speaking of racing, he did in fact race this weekend, and yup, he flipped his ride Yardsale style. Before all that though, after leaving the Roosevelt and going straight to the airport, Ellis’ carry-on got checked and he forgot he had a straight razor and a pocket knife in there. That was obviously a no-go so he was forced to leave both of them there to catch his plane to Minnesota. There’s a lot of grass there, but there are also cities there – two of them! He lands and boom, they lost his luggage and he goes to the rental car company and gets vibed right away by the counter person and almost doesn’t get his rental. He’s driving around St. Paul with a dead phone, goes & buys a car phone charger at a gas station so he can power on his phone and figure out where the hotel is. He doesn’t have his sleeping pills so no sleep, so far he’s having a blast. Next day, he makes his way to the biggest hee-haw event of the year where dudes are doing burnouts, blasting diesel smoke into the air, and hee-hawing the shit out of their down-to-earth, southern Canadian asses. The fans he ran into there were super cool, salt of the earth kinda people and he was happy. So two things from this, one, Ellis is addicted to sleeping pills, and that’s it. Before we reached the second thing we’re talking about seat belts, someone else’s helmet, someone else’s gloves, and someone else’s jacket. At least that’s what I’m hearing. The highlight the whole weekend was Ellis jumping this jump at the end of the track. He was kinda bummed about being Yardsale again and breaking the car 3 times, but it’s all good – he knows he needs practice, plus he has motivational speaker, Dingo, there to help guide and motivate him to keep trying. So what’d Dingo do all weekend? He hung out with his couch, but also hung out with Duran Duran and saw Mel Gibson, he ran into Benji Madden and Rob Dyrdek too.
Follow @wolfmate or I’m photoshopping clothes on all the womens!
MMA News time. Jason thinks he should be an MMA announcer because of the way Dingo says his parts in the MMA intro. Ben Rothwell let Overeem do his thing for a minute and then decided to punch him in the dome and Overeem was knocked the fuck out. Rothwell did some weird white guy dance next to Overeem but everyone let that shit slide because he nobody likes Alistair Overies. Jacara Souza beat Gegard Mousasi and Matt Mitrione beat Derrick Lewis. Joe Lauzon won his fight by stoppage and was awarded fight of the night. In Instagram News, Ellis is really close to 100k followers, and who doesn’t like nice round numbers, so Cumtard is here to help gain some followers by getting the electric fly swatter in the dark treatment. So let’s do this. Ray Rice. He won h is own personal UFC Fight Night bonus by knocking out his fiancee in an elevator. The big problem with that win is that he has now been terminated by the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. What a good guy that Ray Rice is. Tully had to step in because Dingo is talking about completely different guy on a completely different team. Classic.
Shout out to everyone who bid on the Wolf Art drawing the guys did, in the end they raised over $2,000 for cystic fibrosis. A naked man went on a violent rampage at Oregon’s Hemp Fest. Tully & his son saw some pretty harsh shit when they went for a burger & ice cream over the weekend, totally harshing their mellow. Some dude asked Tully for a hug, it was weird. Ellis is looking for names for their week of events while they are in New York, where Horse Force will be playing, so everyone toyed around with that for awhile, sounds like “TJES: Tour de Horse Force” might be the winner.
Going to New York is serious business.
Check this shit out, it’s History Lesson time with Ellis and Dingo! Allegedly, DNA tests “prove” that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminski, who was a chief suspect in the murders. But actually he was a part-time doctor and policeman who worked for the FBI as chief cutter offer of tits. Before Mark McGwire was the home run king ding-a-ling, he played for the Blue Jays and wasn’t Jack shit. He got all roided up and had a home run off with Sammy Soda and cried all over his big head as he drove blistering line drive home runs past everyone on the field. He also has a fat son he kisses and cries on a lot, then he cried to congress. Tupac Shakira was shot and Dingo thinks it’s unfortunate he got shot in Vegas and not in California because that’s how Pac would’ve wanted it. Suge Knight might have been a part of it, but Mase was probably the trigger man, which explains why he turned to Jesus. 99 years ago today, the first tank was unveiled. It was built by Hitler and John Volvo and Mike Audi. Dick / Jan Blazarian’s great-great-great grandfather may have also had a hand in making the first tank. On September 6, 1522, Magellan was chillin’ and circumnavigating the globe with his wood shoes, this is before Australia even existed, but did exist as Aboland. It was also before women were allowed to sail, float, or ride a magic carpet. Anyway he got shot with a poison arrow by the little people with little shrunken heads and died like a motherfucker.
History. A reliable source for historical puns.
Cal Ripken played some hardball and he beat Lou Gehrig down in a parking lot in Camden Yards, thereby killing Gehrig and took over his record. September 5, 1847, Jessie James was born and was one hell of a bank robber and chopper builder. He was a handsome fellow and if you didn’t like him, you were 100% un-American and would be invited to eat shit. On August 29, 1958, Michael Jackson was born a poor black child and his parents & siblings forced his cute little ass to sing so they could make some money. He wanted to be Elizabeth Taylor and she would jerk him off, but he couldn’t shoot loads and therefore has children that are not from his loins. On August 24, 79, people are freaked the fuck out by all the ghosts roaming around Rome (not the Sublime guy) and a volcano erupted and created Boston and Sicily while killing a shit load of people, it also froze a bunch of people and to this day you can still get a selfie with a dude screaming for his life. Hawaii became the final state in the union on August 21, 1959. Duh. There was a huge food fight for Hawaii and America and Captain Cooke won and there you have it. Aloha, fuck face! Mich Jagger murdered a black guy at the 1969 Woodstock Festival. Jimi Hendrix was there to play the National Anthem after his look-alike was murdered in the crowd, who were there for free sex. The Berlin wall, Dingo spray painted that shit and it was there to keep Germans away from Germans because Hitler. Fidel Castro was gansta-gansta but lacked the backing to do shit, he invented the perm and tried his best, but he was no Jessie James so he was killed in Africa by his own people, for being evil. The French still eat “baskettes” (as Dingo calls it) and still don’t shower. But they got The Louvre, which is not a piece of paper, a song, a band, a little fish that swims up your dick & kills you, a mustache, or a bullet train – but is one of the world’s largest museums and a historic monument. Andy Warhol, he’s gay and an alien. Lucille Ball was an actress, ya turd balls, an actress who got off on getting beaten by an immigrant. Marilyn Monroe, born Bitch-Face Monroe, was a mean bitch who had a mean bitch face, she fucked the President and dyked out with Jackie Onassis. Cleopatra is an Arabian bitch who wrapped herself in a sex burrito and gave herself to Sublime with Rome and had a kid and then split.
And there you have it. All done. How’d I do? Tell me on Twitter, because you can’t here.