AMERICA MOTHERFUCKER!
HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Hello and welcome to another Wednesday recap of TJES, make sure you limber up first, so I don’t tear you upon entry. Ellis opened the show talking about how he takes less risks with his body now that he has kids. Like, he won’t necessarily go off on a super high jump on a motorcycle anymore because he’s gotta make sure he doesn’t die and shit. Tully has never been much of a thrill seeker but still, he gets what Jason is saying. His kid is going through a similar phase where he is all about self preservation. In other words, Tully is raising a pussy. Kids go through phases of being pussies and being maniacal psychopaths hell bent on spending every other weekend in the ER. Speaking of Linsanity, the real Linsanity (the Asian basketball player. Ya know, the one.) just got traded from one team to another and I never give two shits about basketball. Apparently he is in LA now so Dingo will be dropping molly with him and wearing his clothing line by next weekend.
Everyone panic! Radio fans armed with pictures of poop are coming!
Hey, are you tired of hearing about that one dude got fired for saying shit on Twitter and also his fans hate Ellis? ME EITHER!!!! Cumtard dramatically warned Ellis that today was the day that a bunch of O&A fans were going to bomb the phone lines with whatever the hell they could do. Honestly, it would be a welcome change from some of the dumb fucks who call the show to say how much they love the show. Anyway, for whatever reason, the O&A fans are directing their anger at having lost one of their dudes on Ellis. And Ellis gets it, he just doesn’t care. And neither do I. I’m a fan of both, and I still don’t give a shit. Moving on.
Ellis injured the FUCK out of Katie’s vagina. Apparently he busted up the back wall and….Ok Ellis doesn’t understand anatomy of vaginas too well, but a wrecking ball doesn’t know shit about architecture, but it knows how to fuck that shit up, bro. Anyway, she had to go to the hospital and she has to sit on a heating pad until it heals or something. Speaking of broken vaginas, remember that girl who called in last week to say Cumtard was her ultimate sexual fantasy? Her name is Kourtney, and she actually flew in from Texas today to get her some of that sweet milky tard tard penis. She is 4’11” , under 90 lbs and is thrifty as shit. She works as an executive assistant, and went on and on about how kick ass she is at getting killer deals on plane tickets, meals and it sort of sounded like she could do Kevin’s job a lot better than he does. So this teeny tiny little chick pops into the studio and is all like “Ok, can we bang now?” Tully said they should go bang in the green room while they did the show, and she was like “Ok.” Ellis shut it down though. She booked her own hotel before she came to town and guess what? It’s right across the street from Kevin……like RIGHT across the street. We may have to come to terms with the fact that Cumtard may die tonight. He’ll probably die inside of a girl who weighs less than my kettle bells. And if he doesn’t die, we all know how well girlfriends around the show go. Briar, Karla, Alexa, that one homeless Mexican chick who listened to emo music.
Think this recap has been a little wordy? Me too. What this recap needs is a segment that is really difficult to recap so that I can go to bed quicker. Cue World’s Greatest Wednesday! It’s been a while, so if you don’t know, the fans and the cast of the show figure out what the World’s Greatest ______ is once and for all. So first up, to find a topic. We need celebrities, check. And then we need hate fucking. Now who should be doing the hate fucking? Cue WWF Legend and all American hero, Hacksaw Jim Duggan! 2×4 swinging, American flag waving Jim Duggan violently putting the dick to a celebrity you hate in a hostile manner. These are always awesome conversations, and best to listen to yourself, so here is the final list, and the winners:
- Dave Matthew’s band while the fans watch (Winner)
- The Edge
- Janice Dickinson
- Kim Jong Un
- Dave Grohl/Courtney Love and give it to Dave harder, but shoot the load on Courtney
- Tim Allen, Dressed as The Santa Clause
- Guy Fieri
- Yoko Ono
- Alec Baldwin
- David Blaine
- UFC fighter Conor McGregor
- Piers Morgan
Lube your ass pussy, Dave
Bert Kreischer is a dude. He is a comedian dude who I’ve gone 27 years without hearing a word about him and then all of a sudden He’s in my ear hole every time I flip on the radio or listen to a podcast. Supposedly the movie Van Wilder was loosely based on him, because Rolling Stone labeled him a the #1 Party man (Andrew W.K. is pissed right now) in America a long ass time ago. Ellis had no idea who he was at first either, and Bert seemed a little stand offish because Ellis has zero tact when he is trying to get to know a guest. (i.e. “Why are you famous” “Why do you have tv shows” which is funny to us, but comes off dickish sometimes). Like usual, within a few moments, Bert settled in and they traded stories about breaking bones, getting beat up, doing drugs, huffing paint. You know, the usual. Bert is a little dark, says when he does cocaine he sees his six year old self in the mirror staring back at him. So Tully told him the next time he sees that, he should just kill the kid. He was a pretty cool dude, and everyone was picking on each other by the end of the interview so I think he’ll come back. Go to BertBertBert.com to learn more.
SubmitToEllis@gmail.com to send in your terrible unsigned bands.
Later assholes.