At the end of the world, whose watch was still beating? Who was still sleeping and missed the whole thing? While you were away who crapped on your mistress and rolled on your mattress and smeared up the sheets?!?!?! THE DOGS COULDN’T DO IT!!! THEY LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND DROOLED!!! BUT THE STRANGER WHO BRINGS YOU MILK EVERY WEEK IS DOING THE THINGS OU’D NEVER LET HIM DO!!! Away in a drawer there’s a box that is covered in old pairs of socks in which hides a gun, but it won’t be used so it doesn’t matter, she cleaned up the splatters before you got home! THE DOGS JUST LOOKED IN AND THEY KNOW THAT THE POOP THAT THEY SMELLED ISN’T YOURS!!! THEY’RE MORE HURT CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE MORE FUN TO BE CARELESSLY POOPING INSIDE ON THE FLOOR!!! Ah, yes, I have a song in my heart today folks. If you haven’t checked out Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits after all the times I’ve mentioned them, you are seriously missing the fuck out. So many songs about scat play and fucking your mom and the downfall of human civilization, they really run the entire gammit of being hilarious by exposing what truly is not hilarious about humanity’s many faults and shortcomings. But that’s not what’s important right now, I just wanted to sing about shitting on someone cause the life of an auto shop customer service representative brings about a true understanding of what is wrong with this species that I am occasionally ashamed to be a part of. Fuck all that though, it’s time for the Jason Ellis Show!!! And maybe some lunch too, if that god damn phone would just stop ringing to entice me with business funding or lower credit card processing rates. Today, the show got rolling with a lot of talk of death, cause sometimes that’s just what you can’t help thinking about, but the upswing of this is that if you get a photo taken of you wearing a speedo, that shit will live on for hundreds of years beyond your time, but seriously don’t let that happen. Boardshorts are where it’s at. Unless you got a booty worth showing off, Then you can get as high cut in the rear as you want. Tully was at the pool last night and some uppity fuck who wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, started fucking up pool traffic in the lanes and it was a serious affront to Tully’s personal pool rules, which he made up himself and has never officially made known to anyone. WILSON came into the studio to be harassed about the fact that no one ever sees him swimming at any of the Ellismania live shows, just moping around being creepy and chain smoking, in his high water shorts and black Dickies button-up. The guys suggested that Will should start boosting his cardio with a little pool time so that Cumtard doesn’t gas him out when they fight at EM10. Of course, this being Pendarvis, he was horribly abusive and combative to this idea, while moping and chain smoking and being creepy in his black Dickies button-up and high water shorts (those shins though, my god those majestical shins). Pretty much the only thing that wouldn’t do those shins justice would be a speedo, so the guys suggested he wear an old timey one piece from the 1850s. Tully floated the idea that the Hard Rock should post the odds for the fights when they come to town, but the logistics just wouldn’t work, so if you want to place some money on a particular character at this year’s festivities, just talk to Tully, and be ready to pay or he will throw a McGook baby at you. There was some discussion about who might participate in the ten on one fight that Ellis may or may not be part of, and whether or not they would have them all picked out in advance, or just cherry pick them in the crowd the day before, or maybe make a few of them known but then sort out the other ones on the night of the fights, and really that last one seems the most interesting for all of us fans, but then, seeing a retired Australian skateboarder fight ten people should be a spectacle in and of itself. Jason had another doctors appointment today to get things checked over for his impending heart surgery, and although it’s a pretty routine procedure, there’s no escaping that feeling like something is gonna go wrong when someone cuts you open and fucks around with your heart and lasers, or whatever it is they’re doing. Ellis was on Loveline last night filling in for Psycho Mike, and somehow he couldn’t help but say “shit” right in the first couple minutes. It didn’t slow things down much, just got him a stern warning that things are different when the customer doesn’t pay you directly to spew bullshit out the side of your neck. It reminded Jason and Tully about how difficult it can be sometimes to keep the foul language to yourself when you’re around your kids, cause the majority of society today is like a pack of fucking undereducated children, but also because they both have ACTUAL kids and it’s generally a mark in the “plus” column for you as a parent if your kids don’t sound characters in a Guy Ritchie movie. The guys turned to the more recent Hollywood news to banter about the Jay-Z/Solange ass whooping that occurred recently, and I just gotta say, there’s only one Jay-z song anywhere in my music collection, and when it comes up on shuffle, I usually skip it, even if it is kinda catchy once in a while. That said, I could give less than a fraction of a fuck about this whole thing. Jude stopped by to give his two cents though, and it basically seems like a problem of the one sibling getting more attention cause she actually accomplished something, unlike the one who’s been trying to ride some coattails all the way to fame and success a la the entire Kardashian family. However, there’s always the “go to a foreign country and overthrow something just cause nobody would stop you” route. Beyonce should have stepped in to remind her sister that her parents only kept her cause they didn’t know how pulling out works, and that she should be grateful there were no coat hangers to be found in the whole nine months she was inside mom’s belly. Tully floated the idea that Jay-Z and Beyonce have spoiled their kid beyond the measure of human sanity, and that it might not be anything that Jay-Z would voluntarily do, and that he’s basically only doing it to be nice to his most favorite possession and keep her family off his ass so he can keep parading her around like some sort of “you too can get out of the ghetto and do great things” banner. Jude on the other hand views this as the panultimate bitch move, which I kind of agree with, cause if your wife wouldn’t have your back when her sister tried to throw blows at you, she doesn’t seem like she gives that much of a fuck about supporting your team. The guys all debated whether or not it’s OK to throw blows at people in return when someone else starts it, no matter how one-sided of a fight it might turn into. This turned the conversation towards how badly the Sirius/XM floor of the building needs a ladies touch, just as long as it’s not one of those coattail riding intern bitches that they had a while ago. Some people called in to give their opinion, and much like assholes I try to avoid them unless absolutely necessary. Jude had to step out, as he was dealing with lawyers before and now had to go do his real job, but HE’LL BE BACK!!! The guys took some more calls on men fighting ladies, and it seems like there’s probably a whole lot more layers to this subject than equal opportunity ass whoopings, so the guys decided to take a break and revel in their own awesome talent with a pair of tasty jams from Death!Death!Die!
The guys came back to remind everyone that they can still sign up for the biggest loser fight, and that was the perfect segue to play a video of some lady named Whitney Miller who I guess was a beauty pageant winner or something and now wants to move on to MMA and it looks like she’s got a pretty good chance kicking some serious ass in the ring, if only she could get over that whole “human compassion after seriously injuring someone without intending to” thing. Ellis talked a while about how he’d like to be involved in some sort of fight sport till the end of time, but getting punched in the face is quickly reaching it’s expiration date in terms of how much he cn reasonably be expected to take. He’s also got slightly high cholesterol, as told to him by his doctor, which I think may be that turning point in a person’s life when they start realizing that they are in fact “getting old” and medical science still doesn’t have an insurance plan that covers that. You know what else there’s no cure for? Flatulence. And as Kevin Kraft himself said, pretty much anything with an anus can fart, and that’s why the guys decided to make a game for them to see if they can guess whether the fart noise they’re hearing is from a human or an animal. I doubt there’s much recapping I need to do for this, other than to remind everyone that it’s alright to think farts are funny, unless you’re a girl because we men would like to keep some illusion that you’re not as or more disgusting than we are. That said, I could probably duplicate every sound they played, depending on what I’ve had for lunch on any particular day. Indian food? Very similar to a deer, supple yet forceful, commanding and elegant like a military general from olden times. Thai noodles and curry? Dead ringer for a turtle, you might be thinking slow and steady, but for all the patience they exude, they create thundering turbocharged rice rocket backfires of flatus that would rival any European luxury sports machine. Peanut butter and jelly? Near as makes no difference to a lion, the sound is much the way I make one of these delicacies, sloppy and over far too soon. Pizza? you’d never be able to tell the difference between my colonic outbursts and that of a rabbit. Intermittent, staccato drumbeats of intestinal gasses. One of those delicious Afghani/Mexican infusion burritos from that one place near my work that I love with a true Californian’s love for stupid combinations and Mexican food? You’d call me a liar when I tell you it was mine, cause you’d think it was a dog, short, to the point, but inescapable and deadlier than a gunshot wound to the face. Mac and cheese? The most uncanny resemblance of all time to a donkey, slow and steady, but always delivering the goods, no matter how much work it is to get out. I could go on like this for, probably the rest of the evening, but even I’m getting sick of coming up with double entendres and euphamisms for rectal gaseous expulsions, so I’ll just hang back and let this segment finish so I can write something else…
*ahem*
You want a smoke? I’m gonna go out and have one.
Fuckin’, so how’s stuff with you? Doin’ alright?… Right on, man… Ah, that’s lame, I knew that bitch had to be a runner… OOOhhhhh shit, hahahaha well I guesss the joke’s on her then. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry… At least you got out before that shit turned into your problem, herpes ain’t no joke… good news on the job though, that’s cool… oh, shit, show’s back on, let’s roll in…
After the guys got done examining animal rectum sounds, they moved on to the sweet sounds of Steve Caballero and Salman Aga, but first, SHARK NEWS!!! Some guy ran across a hammerhead shark that was pregnant with a fuckton of baby sharks! But anyways, my keyboard died so I’m typing this out on my phone, so I’ll be cutting down on the big words and overall content. Steve Caballero is a huge deal in skateboarding, and Ellis has known him for a long time, same with Salman Aga, apparently, although I’ve never heard of him before, but they all sat around and talked skating and the glory days and it sounds like we all missed the best times of the sport. Everyone hates rollerblading (as well they should) and Agent Orange still tours, so you can catch Steve smashing a bass next time you decide to go out and rage for a night at your local punk venue. Caballero also has a pizza shop in LA, so check that out if you’re nearby. Jason retold the story of the Australian warped tour when he pissed all over himself and then woke up with sunburned piss covered legs being marched across by a colony of ants, so if you’re a more recent fan, there’s that. There were more stories of the glory days of vert skating and people getting into aerial skateboarding fights, a la west side story. This went on until Steve and Salman had to leave. Good times, good times.
Just as soon as the guys got done kicking cunts, Tully came back with a news story about some kind of shit or another, and they got to talking about TMZ and that rapper who cut his dick off and keeps claiming to be part of the Wu-Tang clan. Metallica played a tiny acoustic show and shat all over a Beatles cover, which was probably a real treat for the few who attended. The crew is gonna take another shot at making proper art like that one time they all had to paint sad titties in the rain. Of course, they needed a new theme to play on, so they got the wheels turning and threw out some ideas like “what Canada means to me” and “interpretive portraits” like a toilet with half a soul for Cumtard. They settled on self portraits and the rest of us will have to stay glued to instagram to see the wonder this is going to be. Donald Sterling keeps fucking up any and every chance he possibly can to redeem himself and this time he’s saying that Magic Johnson needs to stop acting better than people just cause he has AIDS, so shout the fuck out to him. Tully found a sex advice video that just couldn’t go without being shown. This lady gave a clinic on how to fuck a grapefruit (or large naval orange if that’s all you have available) and if you’re really crafty you can blindfold a guy and make him believe you’re sucking his dick, just as long as you make the right terrifying suction noises while avoiding making any real effort to sexually gratify someone. Jason is gonna be racing this weekend at lake Elsinore, so if you’ve got the time, you can check that out. There were some final calls and stuff, they kept it short today, and then they got the fuck out while the going was good.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,