I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.
So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.
AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.
So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,