Good evening everyone and welcome to a very special Wednesday recap of The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it so special you ask? Because this very well could be the first recap I’ve ever done completely SOBER. That means that this can go one of two ways, my friends: 1) It’s horribly unfunny and boring because I’m not drinking or 2) It’s actually way better and I’m not as funny as I thought I was when drinking and may or may not have a problem. So without further ado….
Is it just me or does this fucking show intro suck ass? Good god man, that baby voiced wiener slinger makes my skin crawl and I swear I can feel her stupid in the waves of sound coming through the speakers. What happened to recording new sound bytes every time a new girl came into the studio? WHAT HAPPENED INDEED! Originally Ellis and Tully agreed they would record new parts at certain points so that the intro was like a living being that was constantly changing to not get stale and annoying like it is now. Ellis and Tully called in Jetta and Kevin to ask them just what the hell happened to that? Like most things that Jason and Tully ask for, they forgot about it. This led into a whole piece about getting a new whiteboard, erasing the show whiteboard they currently have or painting a whiteboard onto Will’s shins. This all happened later in the show, I just felt like tying it into how much I hate Porno Chipmunk Hot Dog Dealer’s voice.
In the real opening conversations of the show, the King and Queen of the west discussed fashion, in particular, Jersey fashion. Tully outlined the old 90’s guido fashion, which was all chest hair and massive chains. Tully was mixed right into the era and wore some weird pants and claimed he started a trend of wearing kangol hats backwards. But Iron Mike Tyson had been running that shit since Tully was in diapers son. The 90’s fashion all had a vibe but it was really gross according to Jason. Ellis banged a chick with a snail trail because they both loved Alice in Chains back in the day. Speaking of 90’s: Tully hates the Chili Peppers. Says they are the crappiest band that is on the highest selling artists lists. I tend to agree, but then they find out they never were on the top grossing artists list proving Tully wrong twice in one hour. I’m summing this all up really quick and being a dick about it, but Tully made a hell of a case for why the Chili Peppers are overrated and he is probably right.
Ellis went on the Sam Tripoli Naughty Show on (Playboy radio?) yesterday. Right off the bat Jason jumped on Sam for saying he didn’t do the things he said he did on Jason’s show. He had all of these new twists in the story about how Jason personally got him addicted to painkillers and wind up getting ripped off by the same hooker twice in one day for heroin. Ellis also ran into the ex porn mom lady that is on Dr. Drew with him sometimes and she was showing people on the show her butthole and giving lap dances which is a great way to break stereotypes of porn stars.
The brain trust fucked up again. Jetta and Tully were tasked with putting together a ping pong table a day ago. Yet today, the thing still isn’t put together because they are incompetent mongoloids incapable of doing a god damn thing. Ellis called them out on it and Kevin’s vagina came into the studio spewing pussy juice in all directions about how he works hard dammit, and nobody appreciates when he does good things. The problem is, that what he was tasked with yesterday was putting together a ping pong table, which could be assembled by a blind paraplegic with a butter knife. In any case, the guys beat the shit out of him for a while and even commented on how Kevin is getting spread just as thin as Will and is sounding more and more like him every day. No word yet on whether or not he is chain smoking or gaining 200lb.
Christian James Hand came into the studio today to grace us with his superior musical taste, by presenting another history of the Grammy’s segment. In case you aren’t familiar, CJH brings in all of the winners of the Grammy’s from many moons ago and we assess how great or terrible music used to be. The last time we did this, we left off in 1982, so we started with 1983 this time around. Pat Benatar won of course, We are the World swept everything because of the sympathy vote. Christian seems to love Huey Lewis and the News, which is mind boggling because that band is a wildly douchey and generic sack of cunts singing boring songs about fuck all. Jetta and Hardcore had never heard “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits, which is a god damn crime if you remember that they won best riff on World’s Greatest Wednesday. Again, Christian put together a solid segment that got some good conversations about music going that paints a nice picture of what the music scene was like 30 years ago.
You Sir Are a Moron was played, and would you lose half of your dick for the ability to fly? Everyone except Jason says yes, because he thinks he would die within the first day of the power. If you could only watch one genre of movie, what would it be? Everyone agrees comedy, because you don’t need all that drama in your life. If The Purge was real and all crime was legal for one night, would you participate? Tully and Jason both said no because the likelihood of getting killed outweighs the prospect of killing to them. Christian said he would, but in true Christian fashion, fancies that he would find the people doing the REAL horrific crimes and save the day by killing them. What would be the best thing to have in a zombie apocalypse? Katana? Gasoline? Car? Horse? We never really got to the bottom of it, and the end of the show crept on me really quick. Much like the end of this recap is creeping up on you.