I just cut my wrist… in the process of fixing one of the light fixtures at work. Cause hey, what goes better with but fucking than a little blood? I’ll tell you what, nerve agents and carbon monoxide, that shit makes it an experience! Speaking of which, it’s time for the Jason Ellis show! The show started off today with some fucking Ozzy, then some fucking Pantera, then some fucking D!D!D! singing about how Rob Dyrdek is the perfect combination of pro skater and Hollywood schill. Then Jason started talking about how sometimes, you’ve gotta blow up somebody’s mind, and you can do so without laying a single finger on them, or using the F-word, or some such shit. There was also some talk about how TV sucks and isn’t funny nowadays, but Jack Black could fix it. Tully is of the opinion that there are too many people coming to LA to be the next big reality star and that’s why the talent pool has so many turds floating in it. Long story short, if you’re trying to become a successful standup comic, you’re probably never gonna have money for a hotel and a hooker, but you might be able to afford one or the other. But if you’ve got some natural talent, and don’t play the victim card when you’re off the clock, you should be OK. The guys talked about comedy for a while and how just about anyone could go out and do t least a couple good shows if they kept at it long enough. Sure, some people are good at it naturally, but if you hang around long enough you’ll pick up a few things and learn how to coax a chuckle out of a few drunk yokels. Ellis is very confident in Tully’s abilities as a comic, even though Tully doesn’t think he could remember a ten minute routine but could pull off a good one with the assistance of a teleprompter. Tully is starting to grow a mustache and it’s starting to look a little intimidating, which is a good look on him, cause people need to start fearing smart people again instead of cosigning the massive percentage of idiots that make up the population today. Mike is confident in his looks, although you catty bitches on twitter and instagram never tell him how much you want his unborn children all over your face and tits. This led Tully to put out the call for any female fans who are in the mood to do so to send in naked photos, and just from the people I follow on twitter, I can confirm that at least a few popped up in email@example.com’s inbox. Jason wagered that if he got ten pictures in his email, Tully would spin the wheel of doom, and vice versa if the quota wasn’t met. The guys took a second look at the wheel of doom and the many consequences on it and Wilson has quite a few places on the wheel that would be absolutely terrifying for anyone who would have to endure them. Some guy named Steve sent in a picture of his shit, and he can go fuck himself. Ellis is going to be doing a live broadcast from the Agenda trade show in Long Beach. Agenda is a get together for all the action sports brands and since Ellis is a pretty high ranking official in the action sports world, there’s absolutely no reason for him not to attend. Tully has decided that if he ever catches Linsanity doing drugs, he’s gonna give him and his friends a freebie the first time, and even be a cool enough dad to provide tacos, but the second time it’s gonna be the holocaust part 2 and they’re all gonna pray for the gas chamber. The guys were watching some TV show about people buying haunted houses and gay guys redecorating or some such shit, and it sounds hilarious as all fuck if it weren’t for the reality TV factor. And these aren’t cool hauntings like Casper taking people on adventures and shit, they’re all fucked up and driving people insane and fucking up the haunted restaurant’s bottom line like a pack of feral bitches. The guys talked for a bit about all the minutiae of life and holding grudges and patting yourself on the back no matter how trivial the accomplishment. There was some talk about how they’re both starting to show their age and it’s not as fun as it sounds most of the time but they wouldn’t have battle scars without some awesome fucking stories. The golden years would be the perfect time to take up video games though, not when you’re young and actually give a shit and have unlimited potential to waste, but when you’re past you’re prime and nobody would look twice for you if you hadn’t just shoved a grenade up their ass in Call Of Duty 28: Out of Retirement. Jason noticed that the Sirius/XM twitter never hypes his show and after this long it’s probably a shitty move on their part not to, besides there’s some interesting stuff that happens on the show, like Bone Thugs and Cumtard sniffing people’s balls. They rectified this swiftly by announcing that Greg Fitzsimmons will be on Thursday afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!! But not with that much bravado, basically drop all the exclamation points and it’s a direct quote. The guys suggested that the way we start ringing in the new year is to take the one celebrity that everyone’s the sickest of, and rocket them into outer space similar to a public spanking, but more like when the Amish excommunicate somebody. I for one would actually start celebrating holidays again knowing that I could get all my least favorite examples of humanity fired out of an oversized t-shirt cannon into the upper atmosphere. The logistics of the greatest game show ever created by man were discussed for a while, like holding the victim in a panda cage so they can’t try and get out of it or fuck with the guards, plus everybody loves pandas, and letting the next spaceman do all the drugs they want, no questions asked. It all sounds like something that should be coming next fall on NBC and god dammit I would buy that shit on Blu-ray season after season after season.
Somebody told Ellis that the Esquire network exists and that he should be a part of it, even though they took over G4 which used to be fucking awesome and now it’s a steaming pyle and yes, I did spell that correctly, because a pyle is an especially painful and engorged hemorrhoid. Ellis shouldn’t go on there cause he’s not trying to be Robin Thicke and that’s just fine. They have a show called knife fight, but it’s just some cooking bullshit. Bob Levy seems to think that somebody’s trying to start some beef with him and Jason, but it’s all a load of shit. Once again, the internet is the most amazing thing in the world, just ask all those Ukrainian girls who want my 32″ dick and all the money I made working from home! Somebody seems to think that Opie is gonna give Ellis a show on his channel, but that’s also a load of shit, cause the internet is the greatest invention of all time, just ask the throngs of lonely housewives who always get a long lasting powerful erection served up from my loins! The guys talked a while about Ron and Fez and how Fez may be on his way out of radio and he’s also having some rough shit going in normal life, and since I could bash a radio show I’ve never listened to but I’m not a complete prick, I’ll just reserve any judgement and hope that guy has a better go at everything tomorrow. The guys debuted anew segment today called “How bad does she want it?” cause sometimes, you need to be told really clearly so nobody ends up getting the cops called on them and also so you can get your dick wet and not feel like a runner up the next morning. Will came in to record a fresh intro for the Jingleberries to turn into the next great “Pendarvis is weird and probably has unauthorized porn on his phone and a monthly membership at the spank booth downtown” sound byte. Just this much of the segment was fucking classic, but the bit itself was pretty good too. Tully read news stories about famous women and how badly they probably needed some dick at one time or another. Powerful women, like Jackie Onasses, who probably didn’t want it in the later years simply because the Kennedys probably sold her to that Greek guy, or Meryl Streep who honestly terrifies me to think of getting banged and now I’m going to go hang myself so that I can sleep tonight, or Princess Diana who probably had lots of European adventures where the sex was romantic and involved as many people as there are countries on the continent, or Yoko Ono who needs to get strangled with some dick so there’s never another album and she can’t break up any more classic bands, or Martina Navartelova who can get a spellcheck off these nuts and probably would toss salad harder than Yoko in the heyday but also turned out a whole gang of female tennis players, or Prime Minister Huge Tits (whose real name s completely inconsequential cause it’s Julia Guillard) who definitely needs the most obscene pounding available to the developed world, or Hillary Clinton who is probably dying of thirst for dick cause Bill ain’t fitting the bill and she isn’t dead yet so she’ll never stop working for it, and finally Shakira, who might be a sex object on the pop charts but is probably not more unusually horny than any other lady out there but will be when she’s Meryl Streep’s age.
Jason’s cat Prince, the evil bald pussy, stopped by the studio to hang out and express his hatred of the entire world, as most cats and freshly shaven vaginas do. Prince seems to be having a pretty good day, imagining pissing all over Tully’s unborn child, abandoning children, cumming on someone’s decaying body, hanging out in the dark, tongue-punching his fart-box, and other things that can be genuinely fulfilling to members of the feline species. Tully found a story of a guy who dresses up as a dog and is also fuck ugly like puke on my dick, and Prince nominated him to be shot into space on new years eve. There was also a story about that crazy Russian bathtub heroin called Krokodil, specifically a girl in Mexico who injected it into her genitals and is now decaying from the vagina on outward, which is pleasing to Prince because nobody gets to upstage the evil bald pussy. People across the globe are naming their babies “Cheese” which makes me want to vote this hairless cat for president so we can start getting a handle on this kind of bullshit. And just for the sake of doing it, go Google cat semen and look at a picture of a churro. And in the last bit of news that Prince sat in for, Macauley Culkin has started a pizza/Velvet Underground tribute band and from the sound of it, it’s not the slightest bit obvious that he may have been a regular heroin user for a little bit. Quick segue, EllisManiaCross is in the planning stages and the guys talked about it for a while. Jason is really pumped on the idea and it’s sounding more and more like something I’d like to see. The guys kicked around ideas for some of the obstacles that might be included, such as MMA fighters and hockey players and footballers knocking people over in the turns, and Tony Hawk throwing water and flour at you, and teamwork, and jumps and pools and all kinds of other shit too. The callers got their turn to pitch ideas, along with suggestions from twitter. Some of the more noteworthy suggestions were for things like shitloads of bubbles, Will Pendarvis throwing beans at people, rodeo performers getting involved, firing tennis balls with a hockey stick, circuit training with hot ladies, a railroad crossing gate, t-shirt cannons, throwing fish at people, punching bags with go-pro’s on them, paintball, tar-and-feathering, Wayne Gretzky kicking people in the dick, remote control helicopters, Tully’s mom, bowling pins, and at least 45 other ideas that were fucking terrible. Tully found some piece of information that says that the weather in Alberta, Canada is just as bad as it is on Mars, which is proof that humans could live on Mars, provided they had a 24 hour hockey network and lots of beer. Some Canadians called in to reinforce that it is fucking cold in Alberta, but they have male syrup and Tim Horton’s, so they’ll be OK. The guys took phone calls on cold weather for a bit, no matter how much it seems they didn’t want to cause really who gives a fuck how cold it is? Tully looked through his email to see if any ladies had sent him naked photos, and it seems that there were a few submissions, but from first appearances it looks like a lot of guys sent stuff in. there were a couple more suggestions for EllisManiaCross that were alright. Also, people are so cold that men are growing tits, which is proof that you should all stop using aerosol products and destroying our ozone layer. There was a litle bit of talk about the UFC cause Jonny “Bones” Jones had to postpone a fight. Also, Shane Del Rosario passed away at 30 of a heart attack. Some dude called to say that texting is actually safer than using hands free when driving, and my answer to this problem would be to stop putting shitty convenience features in every car and bring it back to the days when cars actually needed to be driven. In Japan, the sales of adult diapers are surpassing baby diapers, and not all of them are used for some weird fetish, it’s to the point now where Japanese people just aren’t reproducing like they used to, so if you’re planning on buying a new Corolla or Civic, you better get on that shit while there’s still a country to make them. Tully confirmed that there’s a shitload of naked men photos in his email and it’s probably Jason’s fault. A guy called in from prison and of course the conversation went to butt town pretty quickly. The final calls rolled in like a turd across the living room floor from a naked toddler, as is known to happen sometimes. Tully shared some more of the pics he got in his email and it sounds like there’s some terrifying shit that he’s gonna have to explain to somebody eventually. That one recap guy who needs to know his recap role called in to give a quick rundown of the show and CUE BRUCE LEE MUSIC!!! On a plus note though, shout out to recap dude for 90 days off all the shit, glad to hear you’re doing better.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,