Said nobody ever, except Dingo.
Welcome to another Monday, another Monday in the Swinghouse studios. Waddup with that, you ask? Well, it’s not ready yet. Hopefully it’s the last show in the old shit kitchen. Dingo’s here today and he don’t know shit about the new shit, new boss shit, and shit. Dingo and Ellis may go to the spa together, but they don’t take showers together, at least at the spa – because that’d be awkward. What exactly does Dingo do? He markets himself and markets shit, endorses himself and endorses shit, he talks about shit, and just does shit and stuff. He also seems to know way too much about JCPenney, I don’t know why or how, but there ya go – JCPenney connoisseur, Dingo! This of course leads us into shelf space and shoe technology, which you guessed it, Dingo straight up fucking rules that shit and schooled us on why action sports apparel is saturated by big brands like Nike, and of course, shit. Bellator 98 was this past weekend and the big news from that was, Perry “Filthy” Filkins grabbed his nipples several times. That’s a power intimidation move if I’ve ever heard of one.
EM9 special guest DJ, Bruce Lee. But not really. He’s dead.
EllisMania 9 is selling like hotcakes, faster than any EllisMania before. This sparked up talk about for sure going for an EllisMania 10. So now there’s more room deals (50 more rooms for 50% off) and shit, and someone or maybe multiple someones will be winning a room and some other shit. Speaking of EllisMania 9, Ellis has pretty much worked out all the fights for the event, so that’s pretty much in the bag, for the most part. Except for a fight or two, and shit. Is Nick Swardson training for his fight with Rawdog? Ellis called to find out and sure as shit, he is. And by training, I mean staying out late, sleeping in, drinking, and doing blow. There’s talk about the winners of EllisMania 9 getting a pimp cup and Dingo getting a golden straw. Not for cocaine, but so he can go up to the winners and steal a swig or two from their pimp cup. In an odd sort of way, Rawdog is the highlight of EllisMania and people are expecting to see him give his best performance, otherwise the entire world is going to stone him to death with used wet wipes. Dingo’s cheese officially slid off his cracker, he thought Tully participated in a fight at EllisMania that never happened. He also thought this was EllisMania 10, not 9, even though it’s been talked about several times today alone. Bad news for Wolfwipes, not everyone is down with using wipes on their balloon knot. Washington DC utility officials say wet wipes have caused a 35% increase in broken shit pumps. But good news for Wolfwipes if they come with a diaper genie.
Jesus, Jesus!
In the state of Iowa, if you are legally blind, you are now able to carry a fucking gun like the blind-ass motherfucker you are. Even Stevie Wonder was like, seriously? That’s insane. It’s okay, it’s not like blind people are reading this anyway. Could you imagine for a screen reader to get done blabbing all the previous shit? Not happening. Wilson came in with Ellis Jeopardy for the guys to play. Last time they played, Tully won but they gave it to somebody else because Tully always wins. And who won today’s episode of Ellis Jeopardy? It should come as no surprise, Michael Tully! Some We met a new intern today, Lynette (sp?) and she’s a poor, pretty white girl. Like Dingo, she don’t know shit about the show, wrestling, or shit – but she does know about Bean as she interned for that turd before – and shit. Like all women, she loves Dingo’s luscious locks and Josh is not allowed to fall in love with her. Sounds like she’s got the chops, kid. One day, she’s gonna be a STAR! In porn. Online. For NYA. OH! Just kidding Lynette. What am I saying? You’re not reading this. Hey, did you hear some old artist got the shit beat out of him over his art? What was his art you ask? A fake gun. With penis bullets. But it shot blanks. In your face. Are you catching any of this? Cuz I’m laying it on pretty fucking thick here. Why did God create yeast infections? So women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. Wait. I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to end this re-cap with that. Give me another chance. Come on baby, you can trust me! Do you wanna know how you kill fifty flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel. Sorry Ethiopians. HEYOH!