We are going to start off today’s recap exactly like TJES show started off today: With a massive shout out to motherfucking TOES! Toes, the stubby little fingers for hands that are responsible for balance, of which kooks wouldn’t be able to surf, skaters wouldn’t be able to skate and Jon Jones wouldn’t be able to knock bitches out. Ellis’ toes are doing alright these days, but he wants to give them a little TLC before he goes and gets a pedicure again. Kate Upton is super hot, but Tully and Ellis still aren’t impressed and think the only thing that could up her game would be if she had one glazed over stone dead eye. This sparked up a conversation about hot girls in school and how the hottest girl in school isn’t always the most beautiful. Sometimes they are only hot because they sprouted tits a little earlier than everyone else and high school guys are cuckoo for tits. Tully went to a concert last night where his friends country style band was playing even though he doesn’t like his type of music and his friend doesn’t like Retrofit. Anyway, Tully posted up with a drink and stared at hot chicks all night fulfilling the creepy dad position at the concert. He saw a group of hot chicks in little black dresses, and most of them were the blonde typical hot chicks and he wasn’t into them. But there was one angry looking Korean chick and Tully found that one to be the most attractive. Go figure eh? And no, I’m not saying Tully was scheming on bitches at a concert while his wife was away, he was just being creepy super dad and admiring from afar.
What is something someone would have to do to trick you into getting blown by them? I understand that is a hard question to wrap your head around, but that’s what Jason was asking. For instance, if Bob Barker burst into your house with a million dollars and 20 hot sluts, would you be too dazed from Barker’s entrance that you wouldn’t notice getting blown by the sluts? The winning scenario was if Barack Obama came up to you and said he needed to blow you for national security reasons, would you let him? (Brought to you by Tully). Well of course, you’d have to just for the story. Imagine one day you grandkid is working on a history assignment and asks you about Barack Obama and you reply: “Well, one time he took my entire schlong into his neck to protect this nation, so he’s alright with me.”
What makes someone choose to be a proctologist or an OBGYN? What about their own personal psyche makes them think they want to spend the rest of their lives being a hole doctor? Tully reckons they are just creepy and want to look at ruined vaginas and sick buttholes all day. The other two never really came up with any concrete reason for why they should. My feeling with hole doctors was always that they look at the demand for that particular field in certain areas and gauge what their salary could be and go from there. I think a few hundred thousand dollars a year is enough motivation to look at wrecked vaginas for just about any man.
Next, I’m pretty sure they did some get the clit off your box, but I missed all of it when my kid had to take a nap and my phone was indisposed. In 2007, Billabong was worth $3.5 Billion. Today, they are worth just about $0, filing for bankruptcy or something. This sort of thing happens though once your brand phases out of it’s cool phase and becomes more of a Target/Wal-Mart brand and people think it is lame.
This guy: Vulture Butt Water. He calls himself Vulture and shoots water out of his butt at parties for some reason. Seems like a good alternative for a clown.
Puppy Pregnancy Syndrome is where someone gets bit by a dog with rabies and somehow thinks they are pregnant with puppies and believe you are going to birth them out of your dick.
Ariel Helwani supposedly can’t ride a bike, but he might be able too, who knows.
PETA is a group of mental midgets, this time because they are protesting a Buffalo Wing eating contest, asking the organization putting on the event to not allow pregnant women to compete because one study said that eating chicken while pregnant with a boy can give your baby a small dick. At this point, PETA is basically the Westboro Baptist Church of animal rights groups. Their message has become so murky and clouded with the ridiculous and bizarre ways they choose to go public with their activism. They are less about being a group for the ethical treatment of animals, and more about being a group of celebrity clowns who occasionally show up mumbling some derisive bullshit that barely makes sense. Ellis summed it all up perfectly: When you go to a chicken and waffles place, just get the waffles. But sometimes, ya know, get the fucking chicken. Not all the time, but just a little chicken.
Ellis is going to a truck show this weekend, and he is taking the opportunity to get a little help for the Dog and his new Prius. Specifically, how he can get Divine 1 Customs to trick out his new little wind up car. Some of the better suggestions were to airbrush the car to make it look like you could see all of the mechanical parts on the inside of the car. Painting a mural of Thom Yorke having sex with a donkey. Maybe installing a system where everywhere he drives, the car makes Jetson’s sounds. This bit took up pretty much the last hour of the show, and there were so many good, and even more stupid suggestions that I can’t even think about re-capping it here. Check it out on demand or catch it on a best of one day.
Lastly, it is official and confirmed, Tera Patrick will be fighting the human windbag Sam Rubin at Ellismania: Pound for Pound. Worst case scenario, that douchebag gets the shit kicked out of him by MMA Sasquatch and he bites his tongue off so we don’t have to hear him talking over everyone ever again. Later folks, Tim bless you!