Well how about that shit, it’s Tuesday, I’m horribly sleep deprived from fucking your mum last night and I’m in charge of telling you what you missed on the show today. Ellis started the show talking about some dude calling him baby. Ellis didn’t take it too well, cause nobody puts Baby in the corner or some such shit. The way he described it, it was like there’s a voice in his head saying “baby, it’ll be alright” but it sounded like it was another person standing there. Stay in drugs kids. And don’t do school. Before the show, Ellis spent the whole morning looking for a new gym. Apparently, all the ones in Tarzana suck massive smegma covered dick, so it’s back to the home gym till someone decides to build something worth looking at out in the valley. The way he tells it, the new gym thing is part of a bigger plan, possibly coming to theaters near you this summer. Then Ellis got to talking about how his neighborhood kinda sucks, everybody seems disconnected with reality and nobody’s flashing titties when the mood strikes them. That’s fucked up. Nobody is ever mad when titties come out to say hi. I feel for the Wing, I lived near the suburbs, and that shit was boring. No titties, none at all. Tully joined in to tell us that the valley is a lot like New Jersey. It’s not a bad place, just not a good fit for everybody. Hey, did you ever think your kids could learn to read if you found a way to make it not so damn boring? Well, Tiger Lee Ellis is starting to learn how to read because of moto, according to something Ellis heard about him looking at some moto toys at the store and knowing who everybody is, then reading all the magazines about it. Sounds like he’s already off to a great start, moto, books, shit like that, that kid’s gonna be knee deep in moto whores by the time he’s in junior high. Ellis said he talked to some guy named Dave (I don’t give guys named Dave any credit, there’s too many of them in my family) and there’s maybe a track where they can abuse RawDog on two wheels, live on the air, for all our sadistic enjoyment. Yay!!! Then we got a lesson on the physics of being an extreme athlete (yes, I punched myself in the dick for saying that). Some ideas were tossed around about cool shit to do at this track, shooting loads on people, Yucko the Clown throwing cow pies, titties (maybe they didn’t mention titties, but it would liven up the atmosphere), all the friends of the show getting hurt learning to ride bikes beyond their skill levels, lots of good stuff. Then the talk switched to needles. And all the sweet ass drugs that doctors can give you for routine procedures. Tully let us know that nitrous never made him laugh. RawDog told us about getting put under and maybe touched inappropriately by his dentist. Then Jude came by, and that’s where the drug talk got really good, cause that mother fucker parties. Jude let Ellis know that his show on Shade 45 is still growing, and Jason is getting closer to the top every week. Just look at the guests!!! Jude never had Drew Barrymore, or Slash, or Steven Tyler, or The fuckin’ Church of Hayden. Jude ain’t bitter though, just giving credit where credit is due. And Jude has to take shit from the management cause Eminem doesn’t actually come on the radio. Politics, my favorite. ‘Sall good in the hood though, they’re keeping it going till the wheels fall off. Jude is especially motivated cause he was still on some Valium from the night before. Jude has a crazy submissive chick who’s been hanging off his nuts like a winter coat. She may or may not be blowing him in the next room as we speak. Or baking him some cookies. Or rigging up some contraption for Jude to hang her from while he verbally abuses her. What’s the best time to tell your wife you fucked a bunch of other people? According to Jude and Tully, it’s while she’s doing the dishes. And if your boy get’s a sweet blow job from a top notch lady, don’t high five him on Facebook for it.
Ellis is now gonna be the proud owner of a lizard, who may or may not be named Supercross. That is, if Snookie doesn’t get her way and name it Santa McSomethingOrOther. Women…..Am I right? Jude used to know a guy who bought used pets off of crackheads who shoplifted them from pet stores. Sounds like the kind of guy I want to party with. We heard some talk about when the next EllisMania may allegedly be happening. Early signs are inconclusive, but there’s two big name assholes for the main event, and Ellis is thinking of fighting ten fans at once, no matter how drunk and invincible they might be after two days in the Nevada desert. Sun stroke and dehydration mean nothing when you get in a ten on one fight and you’re part of the ten.
So the new Death!Death!Die! album is coming along nicely. AJ from the backstreet boys dropped his verse for the new single Butt Town. Judging by the behind the scenes audio we heard, it’s something worth being excited about. Like AJ is almost a real musician, who won’t be won over by Shoebox’s digital remastering charms. Jason relayed a text message conference between himself and Dingo and something about midgets and hot ass may be in our listening future. But we’ll get to that when the time comes. Now, it’s time for unsigned farts. And man, if there weren’t some fucking amazing ones. I don’t give a fuck how juvenile you think I am, that shit is always gonna be funny. Know why? Cause I’m a human male between the ages of birth and death. And guess what, it’s going all week. So be prepared for more gaseous releases from a pack of stupid assholes. (OH!!!!) Hey, does your house need lights? Well pay your fuckin’ bills, you lazy biatch! Or, if that’s not why you eat your mac ‘n’ cheese in the dark, you can check out the new line of luxury home lighting designs by Vanilla Ice!!! I have no joke for that!!! It just writes itself!!! But seriously, he’s doing light fixtures now. I’m sure there’s a place on the web where you can go and reserve judgement for yourself. Did you know that guy had a TV show on the DIY network where he flipped houses? Me neither, cause DIY is one of those channels that’ll give you the gay, and I’d like to die with my behymen intact. RawDog allegedly found his perfect woman, the heiress to the In-N-Out burger empire!!! If she’s anything like what I’m imagining, I’d go have a taste of those beef curtains. Maybe even get it animal style. (Zing!!! Fuck me, this always happens after lunch, alright I’m back). As much shit as I may want to talk about the guy, seems like he’s turned his one hit wonder status into a semi lucrative career, so shout out to Vanilla, he’s as Cool as Ice in my book. Jason was recognized by a cop while he was getting pulled over for some sweet ass illegal traffic move. That’s gotta be a good feeling. I’ve been recognized by cops before, but never for anything cool. After that we heard about a hobo fighting a guy with a hatchet. Apparently, one of them thought he was the son of Barry or some shit. And we got sweet commentary from a guy who sounded either stoned or Canadian. Justin Timberlake did a show and donated all the profits to charity, so he’s steering clear of the Jew box this time. Some guy tried to make a lady working at the massage parlor give him a happy ending, and she wasn’t having that shit. The guy who runs American Apparel is fucking every model who’s ever done an ad for them. Chris Brown is trying to skip out on his probation, Justin Bieber is still a little teenage lesbian, only now he’s poundin’ sizurp every so often. This led to a debate about which one is scarier, a shark or a gay man? Remember, there’s no such thing as homophobia, you’re just a shit head. We heard an adorable story about this one time when Pink and Carey Hart broke up for a little bit then got back together. So that’s what happened in the news today.
And of course, it was another wonderful edition of new music Tuesday today. First we got a taste of the new Yelawolf. Then there was a seemingly abrupt end to new music Tuesdays to talk about what a crotchety old woman RawDog is. He would like all these young kids to pipe down with their big hot rod cars and their crazy speakers. Apparently the vibration from a pair of 18″ subs will jar one of his kidney stones loose. Back to NMT, We heard a new ones from Joe Budden, then more debate about public noise ordinances, the new Coheed and Cambria, some other band I never heard of, Another one, some new Red Hot Chili Peppers, Some more shit I never heard of and then it trailed off to a music break and then into cock news. Apparently, prisoners are geting so bored in jail that they’re doing cock implants out in the yard. I don’t know if that’s a red dragons or a cue to go hang yourself, but it’s fucking crazy nonetheless. Then there was final calls, where the best of the fans got a chance to show what great contributions they are to the human race. If I can leave you with one great piece of advice, I would tell you that if you’re gonna sleep on a crust punks couch, make sure you burn your clothes the next day. Scabies are a mother fucker. Red Dragons bitches ,,rr,