It’s just a Wednesday, and I was on a conference call for the first couple of minutes of the show but I gathered there were some sort of poo smell that very well could be Donald Schultz droppings. That dude spends so much time with animals he is assimilating into their way of life, the nasty, racist bastard. Ellis wants to do a show for the oil miners of Canada. That could be a D!D!D! concert, a live show at a strip club or a presidential-style bus tour. They eventually decided a D!D!D! live show at a strip club so that you’d have something else to look at besides some sweaty dudes, unless you’re gay, then get front row and grab some package. I’d personally love to see Jason kissing all of those mud babies for photo-ops.
Kangaroos have 3 vaginas and no you cannot fuck them because male kangaroos have very mobile testicles that sit on top of the penis and you can’t compete with that. Zoos are sad, or awesome depending on who you ask. Tully and Jason say that Zoos are better for the animals so they don’t have to worry about getting eaten or hunting every day. Also, if you don’t have an elephant in your zoo, it’s not a zoo, you are an animal hoarder and kinda creepy you sick bastard. Rawdog, of course, took the opposition saying kids tease and bully the animals in the cages. Guess what? Rawdog is wrong, and some guy who works at a zoo called in and verbally gaped him saying he could teach an elephant to ride a bike faster than Rawdog. However if you see a sad monkey in the zoo you are legally obligated to either give him a handjob through the bars or kidnap him and see how far you can get before he rips your arms off.
Rawdog went on a second date with nerdy chick, so apparently the restraining order hasn’t been approved yet. He’s into her, but he’s not so sure how she feels, but she very well could be thinking the same thing. They didn’t kiss, but on the next date Rawdog’s going to pull the old “Drop my keys and jam my fist up your snatch” routine, which works 100% of the time. If you do it right, you can pull every bit of air out of her body at once and she will fall in love on the spot. Heed my warning though, if she tells you she had a premonition about you throwing a 12-6 into her box before you did it, leave her ass because that bitch is a moron.
Next up, it was Cumtard vs. Ellis in a no holds barred, extreme quiz show battle: Super Bowl edition! It consisted of exactly one question: Name a team that is in the Super Bowl this year. This went on for a half an hour, where we found out that Peyton Manning plays for the New Jersey Giants, Chicago has no football team and a fat black guy with corn rows played for the Niners. All in all, it was pretty damned entertaining listening to how little each of them knew about football, and Kevin got punched a lot so there was that.
Some chick in Russia is getting married to a tattoo artist she has known for a month and he is tattooing his When your Mom asked if I would tattoo my name on her face I just stabbed her cheeks with your Dad’s micro dick a thousand times. You shouldn’t take deer antler extract after a workout, take Vermax for your dick instead! Some British nursing home is getting in trouble for bringing in prostitutes to bang the old people. I say it’s way better than letting the old people bang each other and spreading syphillis and WW2-era herpes around.And it saves tons of money on all the vaseline they have to use trying to prevent that loose skin from tangling up in each others. In fact, go get your grandmother a prostitute right now you heartless prick!
Say, has anyone ever told you pornstars like to be choked and get fucked real hard? Well if you hadn’t heard the news, Mia Isabella and Nikki Delano came in for the last hour and a half of show to tell you about it. I sort of drifted in and out, but in between talking about getting pounded on camera by bodybuilders or some shit, they played a game where Kevin got his box fisted! This was actually a pretty funny bit, where Cumtard was blindfoled and the two girls had to reach into the box his genitals were in give him a little tug to see which hand he liked better. Mia pulled out some helicopter action and he giggled like a Japanese girl on a Harley. In the end, he picked Mia as the best hand jiver (Ya don’t say) furthering the theory that Kevin is going to fall in love with a tranny and it’s going to be just like Sleepless in Seattle. Or Philadelphia.
Hollywood news would pretty much take us to final calls and basically all you need to know is: Frank Ocean beat up Chris Brown’s bodyguard, Rampage says he broke up with the UFC not the UFC breaking up with him (therefore winning, despite losing), Lindsay Lohan is a chain smoking drunken whore and some asshole NFL player hates gay people. That Tuiasasopo guy totally wanted to bang Manti Te’o for real though, but he shouldn’t have created a fake girl to tell him his feelings. He should have walked up to him at the Luau, wrapped a lei around his and Te’o’s neck and said “I totally want to be inside you, Bro.” That was pretty much the show, I’ll leave you with one piece of medical advice before I go: If you fart out of your dick every time you blow a load, that a’int normal, and you should be ashamed of yourself.