Shoebox Walks Out: The True Hollywood Story

days-of-our-lives

Everyone loves a good drama.

Everybody was abuzz about it. Everybody was talking about it. Some people even lost their shit about it. Literally. Shit was everywhere. I think even TMZ almost covered it. But since they didn’t, we will! Prepare yourself for the dramatic re-telling of yesterday’s incident that is now being hailed as “The Douchening”. Actually, I made that up. I don’t think anyone is calling it anything. I’m not even sure anyone cares about it anymore, but they sure did yesterday! So let’s find out what exactly happened. Put on your detectives cap, bust out the magnifying glass and pipe Sherlock, we’re going to crack this case wide open!

Timeline of events:

  • At approximately 3:45 PM Central, one Mike Tully read a news story about a new social network that costs $9k to join.
  • Said social network sounded pretty douchey, Mike Tully and his accomplice Jason Ellis were busy making douche jokes just before the next segment started, which involved one Christian James Hand.
  • At approximately 3:50 PM Central, Mike Tully segued from the story and into Christian James Hand’s introduction by uttering, and I quote, “Speaking of douches…” Just after that, Jason Ellis had pushed the intro button for Christian James Hand. The plot thickens!
  • Jason Ellis then was heard by millions to have said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Clearly joking.
  • Christian James Hand retorts with, and I quote, “You’re all being very clever.”
  • Jason Ellis then responds with, and I quote again, “Uh oh, it’s a bad for us to be doing that.” Talking about the “douche” introduction.
  • During the jokes an audible noise could be heard, after some investigation, the source of the noise had come from a microphone being unplugged. DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNN!
  • “What the fuck is that? It’s unplugged.” exclaimed Jason Ellis.
  • “I don’t know why…” starts one Freddie Wilson Pendarvis III.
  • “Because he hit it when he sat down.” retorts Jason Ellis.
  • “Don’t touch the merchandise.” said Mike Tully.
  • “I believe you Christian, but… that only happens to you.” accuses Lord Pendarvis.
  • “I saw what he did, he fuckin’ bumped it because we hit a button where he was a douch.” accuses Jason Ellis.
  • “No, I didn’t, I didn’t… wow, I mean… I don’t have to be here today gentlemen, I’m not getting fuckin’ paid so I don’t have to show up.” threatens Christian James Hand.
  • “Oh, douche the fuck off then if you’re going to swing with that attitude.” delivers Jason Ellis.
  • “I’m just sayin’, I didn’t touch the microphone!” defends Christian James Hand.
  • “You did, you smacked it with your hand because you got pissed because we hit the fuckin’ button!” demands Jason Ellis.
  • “Have fun, have a good radio show gentlemen.” said Christian James Hand as he storms out of the studio.
  • “Fuck off moron!” said Jason Ellis.

There were a few other things said, but they were unimportant, but that is overall the gist of everything said. After Christian left, Ellis, Tully, & Will were left wondering why the douche thing set Christian off so easily. Minutes later, Christian comments on one of his Instagram posts: “…for everyone to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that. Thankx for all the comments.” Later that same day, Christian then posts this his Instagram. That post certainly appears to be Christian acknowledging he made a mistake by walking off the show.

Now, before going any further and before anyone starts laying blame or chastising someone. I’m pretty sure things are just fine between Ellis, Tully, Christian, & Horse Force. These things happen. And these things usually work themselves out. Don’t you fret your pretty little heads about any of it, because I’m sure none of them are.

So. Everyone still have their detectives hat on, magnifying glass out, and pipe in hand? Good. Let’s start speculating our asses off!

sherlock-holmes

Unbeknownst to many fans, and maybe Christian too, OfficialJasonEllis.com was running the entire time so people could see and hear everything that went on, including during the breaks. Armed with knowledge really sheds new light on the whole situation. And god damn it, we’re going to find out who is to blame for all this and we’re going to shame that son of a bitch! The answer just may surprise you, it might even shock you! *queue dramatic music*

As soon as Christian walked into the studio, Ellis could see a look on Christian’s face. This is why Ellis said, “Depends on what day you hit that button, that could’ve gone horribly wrong.” Tully & Will did not see Christian’s face, they are not facing the door into the studio, only Ellis is facing that door. Ellis, Tully, & Will were still all smiles at this point. Everyone teases each other there. None of this is out of the ordinary. And I believe Christian when he said, “…to think that I walked out because I was called a ‘douchebag’ is laughable. It had nothing to do with that.” So what was it, what set him off? I’ll get to that soon, hold your horses… forces.

Then the microphone came unplugged. I’m sure it was on accident and it probably happened just because it was already loose. If you remember, Hotdog and Will both used that microphone before Christian even came into the studio. It worked fine for them, but maybe one of them accidentally knocked it loose, but not disconnected. Or maybe it was something else. Who cares. That’s not really the point.

I can already hear you saying it. “Yeah, but Ellis got pissed right away at Christian for what could have been an honest mistake!” If you’ve been listening to show for any amount of time, you know that for years now Ellis does not like any weird sounds or poor sound quality. This is radio. More specifically, this is his radio show, his baby, and he takes pride in it like anyone would. He’s trying to make sure the show is run as professionally as possible, without glitches, or at least as few as possible. Do you not take pride in your work? You should. Otherwise you’re probably not doing it right.

So where are we? Christian walked off the show and it wasn’t because of the “douche” button. I don’t even think it was entirely Ellis claiming Christian hit the microphone, sure that part didn’t help, but I don’t think that was the sole reason. Rather, a specific combination of things, piled on top of what really did seem like a bad day for Christian, previous to him even being in the studio. Clearly, his fuse was short that day. I think Christian also recognizes that he may not have handled the situation in the best way. His second Instagram post seems to back that theory up. And Ellis wasn’t wrong for telling Christian to leave. As a radio professional, you don’t go another radio professionals show to do your own segment and say that you’re not even getting paid and didn’t have to show up, and then walk off – leaving the other’s scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do in your place. Especially to the guy who is willing to give you a shot at your own 1 hour show along with 2 of your friends.

But what about this chain of events? Who was responsible for Christian walking off? Are you sitting down? Because I am about to shock the world when I tell you the god damned son of a bitch that caused the whole situation. It was none other than… WILL PENDARVIS!!! That’s right! That meddling WILL PENDARVIS!!! Right when he told Christian that the microphone coming unplugged only happens to him, Christian’s brain shut down and went into defense mode. The situation had no other place to go but dissolve into a “No, you are” match between two mongrels. I hope you’re happy with yourself Will! You think about that. You think about what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt. When you’re done, I expect you to apologize. You apologize to Ellis, Christian, Tully, Hotdog, the fans, matter of fact, you call up Piolin and apologize to him as well!

See? I told you we could do this! We have used our super detective skills to solve a mystery, lambaste the god damned son of a bitch responsible for this whole situation, and totally blow the whole thing out of proportion. Now we can all move on and look forward to friendships, Horse Force, and a show in New York!

will-pendarvis-bounty

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 9/17/2014

hello-pants

Sluts don’t like pants, Gary.

What’s up sluts? Y’all just slutting it up today? Getting your slut on? Slut on, slutters! It’s Wednesday and I’m bitPimps. I’ll be your recap host for today because CrackerStacker6 is trying to not get murdered by his wife today, it’s their anniversary. So take off your push-up bra, light some candles, and get ready for sluttastic sluttery! Ellis didn’t sleep much, but he wasn’t even tired so he went to watch some TV. Problem is, TV isn’t working. He sat there for 3 hours all by his lonesome until he realized “son of a bitch, I have a computer, and a website,” so that’s what he did. Not that slutty. But he ended up getting the TV to work later and accidentally ordered a foreign film that you have to read. I think it might have been Borgman. Slightly slutty. Hey, if you’re a Wolfknives member, can prove it, & are in LA, you can get in touch with Ellis and he’ll tell you where they are at and you can go down there and get a big fat box of shit, or a fat prostitute’s big fat box. Slut ding! Ab talk and Ellis was watching Hotdog on the video from the Roosevelt and he envisioned a thinner Hotdog. A Hotdog with abs. While Ellis was in Minnesota he wasn’t smoking weed, but he was jonesing for it. Not smoking weed & drinking isn’t very slutty, but Ellis is abstaining from it all until his birthday, so it’s hard for him to sleep, and he’s finding out he’s more psychotic without the weed but he’s going to power through it by staying busy. Ellis & Katie were supposed to go to the Madden brothers’ record release party but they got into a lover’s quarrel and ended up not going. Tully and his wife fought last night too. Sluts, am I right? Ellis & Tully, walking around all sluttily like they’re queen sluts or something. Control. Sluts love to be controlled. But we’re not talking about Janet Jackson here, we’re talking about Ellis being in control of all his shit, so that’s his goal for now. Tully was on Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Facebook page, because that’s how he likes to relax and slut it up, but she was talking about a friend of hers who committed suicide or something. Which I guess a lot people thanked the boys for talking about it yesterday. Ellis has to pick up the kids today and go watch Devin’s soccer game. The wild west was pretty fucking wild, 14-year-old chicks sleeping in the same bed as an old lady and a drunk dude. So wrong, but also so slutty. But wrong.

favorite-shade-of-lipstick-is-penis

Your mom. Everyone knows.

Back from break and Ellis & Tully have learned some things during the break. Ellis got a call from school and learned Tiger has 103 temperature and has to be taken out of school immediately. He texted the mommy but hasn’t gotten a text back yet so he may have to leave in the next 15 minutes. Tully learned that the foreign film Ellis was watching this morning was indeed Borgman. BOOM! Score one for me! Now is a good time for Hotdog to host the show as Ellis now has to go make some calls. So here comes Hotdog for a call-in segment. He wants to know the worst place & timing you’ve farted. His worst fart experience was in summer school, right after a test. He lifted a cheek & let it rip, it was silent, but it was deadly. A foul smelling pocket of air that he could see how far it traveled as people started getting this look of horror on their faces. The teacher came back to tell him about his test results & he could tell the teacher was pondering puking. Will’s worst fart was in an elevator in NY on a Sunday, nobody is usually around. The elevator stopped & 7 people got on, it was clear Will was the culprit who had dealt it. Tully’s worst fart? He was dating this girl around the age of 13 or 14. Tully kissed her on a jungle gym in a park & they go into one of those play tubes and were making out & holding her. The stillness of dawn was fresh in the air and shabang! Audible fart wafting right up into his newly gotten girlfriend’s face… and she continued to date him. I should also mention, this wasn’t last week. Tully was 13 or 14 at the time too. This ushered in calls from listeners with their worst fart stories, chicks included. Breaking News: Ellis has to leave to go pick up Tiger, he apologized and left in a hurry while the fartstravaganza went on. What’s fart stories without Cumtard? He came in to tell how he would time his farts so he’d fart in a revolving door and watch lawyer’s going through the doors and getting trapped in a pocket of hot boxed fart air. Ahhh Cumtard, we would expect nothing less of you and your farting tactics. One of the more memorable caller stories was a guy who works in manholes in New York City, they routinely have to carry air quality measuring devices. He let one rip and it was so bad the sensors started going off and his co-worker was yelling for him to get out of there before he blows up, but of course it was just his ungodly fart. And with that, they had to cut Hotdog’s fart segment short, go to break and come back with a best-of. Hopefully Hotdog will get to finish his fart segment tomorrow or sometime soon because it was going pretty well – wafting it’s way into outer space and beaming back down and into our faces. Super slutty! Thus ends this recap. Remember sluts, keep them farts coming, but try to keep them discreet unless you’re getting paid extra for them. Like your mom, Fart Butt Slut Ingrid.

grannys-granddaughter

Even grandma knows about your mom.

WAIT!!! ELLIS IS BACK!

Ellis got a new watch today from Electric Visual. It’s pretty cool, but it’s not as cool as Wilson’s watch where he can watch videos and shit on it. If he were so inclined to do so. Or if he even wore the damned thing. Tully (and Ellis really) are collectively 187-years-old when it comes to technology, but they see how cool it is. They think someone needs to raise the watch game so you can watch UFC Fight Pass, porn, or webcam on your wrist. Kids today can’t tell analog time, which kind of doesn’t surprise me, most kids these days are borderline retarded. Larry Bird is huge, he still has his beak nose, but is starting to look like grandma (see above). It’s widely alleged that Joan Rivers’ doctor took a selfie picture of himself and a dying Joan Rivers, clearly he has a PhD in class. Ellis’ aunt has had a ton of plastic surgery and is rocking a nice set of tits. He may grab them during his Australian tour. If you were a woman and a slut, what would you teach your daughter about promiscuity? STDs and dirty old men? And if you were a man and a slut, what would you teach your son about promiscuity? STDs and crazy bitches?

Who is more popular on the old Facebooks, Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Seagal, he teaches MMA fighters how to kick. How about Will Smith versus his wife and kids? Will Smith by far, 3 times more than his own family. Seagal. What about 311 or Danzig? Unfortunately, 311. How about Floyd Mayweather or The Undertaker? More than twice as famous is The Undertaker. How about Ellis versus Heelies? ELLIS! Morrissey or Hulk Hogan? Hulkamania is running wild over Morrissey. And what do they all have in common? Total sluts, big time sluts, a dream team of sluts! Wolfknife Blowgay Simpson is now the new WWE correspondent for The Jason Ellis Show, he’ll be calling in every Monday with wrestling updates. YouTube has Tully figured out. It doesn’t matter what computer he logs in from, YouTube knows what he wants. “You done watching that? Here, watch some Thomas The Train videos. No? Here’s some Def Leppard for you! In more of a German mood? Here’s some gaping videos for you.” Sounds like Ellis & Tully will be watching and reviewing the movie The Fifth Element sometime soon, like they did with Over The Top. And there you have it, sluts! The recap was a slutty, there was a hiccup and a fart here and there, but overall, pretty sluterific. Now get out there and enjoy yourself, you know you sluts don’t get started early so you should still have plenty of time to slut it up. Slut ya later. See ya on the slut side. SLUT DRAGONS!

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/16/14

TWELVE!!! What the fuck are you talking about Alex? TWELVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS POLLUTED PSEUDO-MECCA CALLED THE BAY AREA!!! Why is that so important, Alex? CAUSE TWELVE RHYMES WITH HELL!!! LIKE I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL COCK SMOKER!!! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME EITHER OR I’LL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDREN WITH IT!!! I could not be happier today folks, I’m a short ways away from kicking some serious highway ass “Road Warrior” style in my sweet ass flame-clad Dodge Ram and getting up north to kill my unfertilized future offspring in the land of poutine and venison slurpees! It’s also a nice mellow day at work and almost lunch time, which means I can devote my time to you, the reader, so that you may ingest my seed before it is permanently cryogenically disabled due to my personal distance from the equator. In case I didn’t mention it, it’s also just about time for the Jason Ellis show, which is probably the only reason either of us is here, cause I doubt we would have any interaction by way of this website if it weren’t for the best few hours of afternoon debauchery known to man. Today got underway with the question “do you really know you’re you?” cause sometimes you just need new wallpaper. Jason has been looking through old pictures of himself and hasn’t found one that doesn’t make him look fat since before he got his head tattoo. Somehow, this seems like a good time to question religion and the Madden Brothers. Tully got into a conversation about tweeting the entire bible word for word and making the first tweet “In the beginning, god created the heavens and earth #LOL” and if future content would reflect the opener, I’d follow that account forever. Benji called Tully godless, which didn’t seem like it bothered him so much. Tully got into a nice critical history of how religion and street magic are a lot more closely related than most people would probably like to admit, cause god promises eternal peace and David Blaine just stands on his tippy-toes at an angle that looks like he’s floating. Jude was in studio to remind everybody that you can actually talk into a telephone. The guys talked about the many nuances of being a call screener and how aliens coming to earth wouldn’t prove Christians wrong cause what the fuck have facts ever changed for those guys? A guy called in to discuss this point, as well as letting the guys know that he has in fact discovered a dinosaur bone, so he knows what he’s talking about. If you still insist your god is real, John Cho has a show on TV called “Selfie” and he wanders in the background leering molestingly at the Wendy’s girl (hopefully that new one that’s kinda cute, and not the pre-teen on the burger wrapper). Jason’s divorce is pretty much finalized, but in a shining display of the HIGH FUCKING CALIBER of the California legal system, the court has been stalling on making it official for the better chunk of this year. Tully floated the idea of a for-hire mediator for people who have disputes that don’t quite warrant getting the law involved, and it would be a growth industry cause some people are victims of when keepin’ it real goes wrong. The real gripe Jason has with this whole situation is that it’s very likely the ex’s new man is gonna be his kids’ stepdad and Jason is pretty much never gonna meet him. Jude got a call from his daughter who just went to college and got drunk for the first time, which made Jude happy cause it’s great to know that his kid is comfortable enough to tell him that and not the mom, and he got to pass along his own party wisdom to keep the bad element from besmirching her innocence. In a twist of racist fate, Jason tried to guess that Jude’s daughter’s favorite drink is Alize, cause it’s just like white girls and ranch dressing apparently, but he was wrong. Truth of the matter is rum and coke is how the young Angelini gets down at her Florida college. The guys talked for a bit about their favorite drinks when they had the palettes of children, Like Tully who used to drink “stingers” which is just brandy and Creme de menthe (WHY 1940’S WHY?!?!?!) or Jude who used to drink lemon drops, which is the lemonade version of a screwdriver. Myself, when I could find a guy to shoulder tap, it was Hot Damn 100 proof and Dr. Pepper, or Black Cherry Effen vodka and Monster, both fantastic choices depending how much of an adult you would like to pretend you are at any given point in the evening. There was more talk about stepchildren and not the euphemism for getting your balls massaged while you’re getting blown, but actual children that aren’t yours but you’re busting into the mom’s clit prison. Jude was cleaning his house this weekend and found a bottle of GHB and being the kind of guy not to waste a dollar, he skulled it so he could clean out the bottle for storage in the future. And of course, with expired GHB or any drugs for that matter, doing a bunch of it all at once and then recording a video diary for your podcast is a great piece of immortal internet content. Jason let Jude know that if he wants to do the Foreally show on Faction, he’s welcome to, and Jude would love that but wants to do a slightly different spin of that and include Christian “The Box of Shoes” Hand. The guys talked more about how when you’ve got kids and don’t stay with their other parent, you get the wonderful benefit of turning your new partner into a prison snitch so that you don’t have to put them in the position of getting on your children’s bad side and fucking up your life with it. It’s also good not to turn your kids against your ex’s new mate, cause that shit can land you in a shirtless back alley knife fight on the back of your Harley-Davidson wondering how the fuck you went from being the star lacrosse player in high school to shaking down hookers for enough money to get something off the dollar menu at Wendy’s. Jude stepped out to do his normal 1 to whatever time All-Out show ends and Jason took a break to rage out some parent issues.

 

AUSSIES!!! Ya fuckin’ cunts mate, this family in Melbourne was having problems when their ten year old pet goldfish was being an asshole to the other fish in the tank and VETERINARIANS WERE ABLE TO MELLOW HIM THE FUCK OUT BY REMOVING A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!!! Which ended up being the cheapest major surgery I’ve ever heard of, on a human or animal, at a mere $200 Australian! While searching for the word “gazebo” Jason reminded everybody that WILSON has been known to murder black (and other) people in a gazebo from time to time. Aside from the Madden Brothers having a new album out today, Slash with Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators also have a new album out today, and in an homage to the hard work those well recognized artists, IT’S TIME FOR UNSIGNED BANDS!!! But first, shitty music keeps finding it’s way on to the Faction with Jason Ellis airwaves and it stung in Jason’s ass like that first time he got that stress hemorrhoid after EllisMania 5. Specifically, some band (?) called K-Flay and given the name it sounds like something that belongs on fucking Clear Channel where mindless consumerism can stifle out well composed music. The guys played a clip of it and it’s exactly the kind of top 40 shit that made me buy a satellite radio to start with. Somebody called in to try and back K-Flay even though I could give less than a fraction of a shite about ever hearing it again. Right, so unsigned bands, first was a rap from some guy called $Dollaphin$ and it did nothing to redeem the failure that is K-Flay cause I honestly could not distinguish the beat and given that Cumtard’s email correspondence with him gave no further pertinent information, it would be worth forgetting. Next was a group called Nawf, featuring our old target shooting friend Cassette Coast, also part of the rap genre but much more listenable and talented rather than white guys with rich friends trying their hands at things they’ll never understand. After that was a PHONE CALL FROM CASSETTE COAST! He gave an interview with the guys for a few minutes and accepted some kudos and praise from the crew for all the work he’s sent in so far. If you wanna check out more of his stuff, it’s all over the iFunnelcrappymusicdownyourthroatwhetheryouwantitornot (we’ll cover this in a few minutes) and Amazon and Google Play store. Next in line was Cormack which started off strong with some organs and then got a little dubstep/rap-rock and Clear Channel so not particularly noteworthy in my opinion. After that was Tri-Lac (?) Commission with their track Money Hungry Bitches which had potential then immediately lost it when the guys started trying to sing/rap. Next up was A Haunt of Crows which had a slight Stone Temple Pilots vibe but atrociously bad recording so hard to put in rotation anywhere. After that was Lucky Number Tuesday which was kinda throwback and sounded like Kings of Leon, but not as good, and that’s saying something cause I don’t even like Kings of Leon and think they should be assassinated. Next was Rebel Society featuring Butterballs of EM6 fame and if you like thrashy old school hardcore punk then this would be right up your alley. Next was Red Shift and I can’t think of who they sound like but in my own house they wouldn’t get played to completion with any regularity so it’s not slowing down my day. After that we heard the guys talk for a bit about how Apple forced anyone with an iTunes account to take ownership of the new U2 album, without consent or any legitimate interest, and to make matters worse it was a file that could not be removed for absolutely no legitimate reason, badly enough that Apple had to develop a web tool to remove it from everybody’s iCloud so that the sand would finally leave their collective iCunts. Little known fact, according to iLikeGirlsDaily, to apologize, Apple is gonna forcibly give you the new albums from Soulja Boy and Justin Beiber in a week or two. Now, I don’t know that that’s actually true, but I have absolutely no trouble believing it especially when it comes from the twitter account that feeds me tasteful nudity all day. Now, since I don’t need to suck anybody’s dick to have friends, I of course do not own an Apple product of any sort, but if I did, I would promptly go to Steve Jobs’ grave and ejaculate on it, simply for the principle, then shit on my load and watch it slide down his tombstone, like a shit toboggan. Back to unsigned bands, there was a glitch in my on demand so I didn’t catch the name of the John Tesh tribute band, but I did hear half of a couple words and it sounded like some fucking waste of perfectly harvestable organs tried to start a John Tesh tribute band. Next up was The Octagon playing a bit of radio friendly metal that would make the perfect walkout music for a pro wrestler, or maybe a UFC fighter. After that we heard from Anthem For A Massacre and aside from the somewhat cookie monster vocals, definitely a talented and respectable metal offering from the world of underground music. Second to last was from The Involuntary and it sounded similar to what might have been included in Apple’s new shove feces down your esophagus collection, then went all screamo and had notes of Creed and later Unwritten Law. And finally, we got a taste of Blab Pipe who were catchy and danceable with a vocal filter like The Dandy Warhols and would be acceptable background music for a third rate college sex romp movie. Oh, and Malice got kicked off Instagram again, so no more dark soft core 80’s porn and mini-pincer pics for any of us. At least not from her.

 

HORSE FORCE IS COMING TO NEW YORK and Jason plans on fucking a canolli as some portion of that experience, whether the audience is invited to watch is still unclear. Tully found a news story all the way from Bangkok about a woman who committed SUICIDE BY FUCKING CROCODILE at a Thai zoo, which is proof that bitches is crazy no matter where you go. The guys kicked around the idea of what types of suicide should be allowed, like if your old and in massive pain and your ungrateful shithead great grandchildren keep demanding more in their birthday cards every year that you can’t make good on cause you’re on a fixed income and the American medical system is bleeding you dry SO FUCK IT!!! LEMME JUST PUSH THE FUN BUTTON UNTIL THE FUN TURNS TO CARDIAC ARREST AND THEN YOU THIEVING NURSES CAN COME IN AND PUSH IT A FEW MORE TIMES BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CHECKBOOK TO MAKE COUNTERFEIT PURCHASES WITH!!! Jason said if he was gonna do it, he’d either drown himself in his ex wife’s boyfriend’s blood or maybe just steal a Lamborghini and toss it into the ocean off Highway 1. WILSON said the easiest way to go would be a nice sweet heroin overdose on the first time and Tully didn’t weigh in on it cause he’s probably got some truly devious shit swirling in his head that would turn Wesley Snipes as white as a bag of powdered sugar. Tully did however have a story of his great grandmother as was passed down to him that at some point she left the house, walked down the hill straight into the lake and didn’t attempt to swim. The guys talked a while longer about death and some of their well known friends’ death scares and public cries for help and what people are thinking when they want to switch it all off and at the end of it, we found out that officialjasonellis.com is having technical difficulties with the cameras so there’s just one angle and it’s straight up Jason’s nose. WILSON being the semi-professional stalker that he is, suggested a few ways that Jason could keep tabs on his ex’s boyfriend with security cameras and over the counter spy equipment, as well as using the kids as moles in whatever sinister scheme he might be involved in, or pretending he’s on acid and wandering in and fucking up his evening by whooping his ass and telling his ex to call the cops. And while they had him in the studio, they turned to the phones to have Jizz Cult give some caller advice for folks who don’t know quite what to do about blood stains in the trunk liner of their Subaru and all that plastic sheeting that basically became single use after a heated discussion with their significant other. First guy called in cause his wife left him and his son a bunch of years ago and before she left she planted the seeds of discontent in the child even though the dad and the new wife were the ones who raised him to be the guy he is today, and WILSON recommended that he respond to evil with evil, like not blatantly shit talking his mom, but slipping the allegations of prostitution and drug problems in as an aside to normal conversations. OR, plant drugs on her and get her publicly arrested while he’s around so there’s just no denying it. Next dude is in the process of a divorce and obviously that’s driven him into the type of financial ruin that prevents him from owning a SUPERIOR ANDROID MOBILE DEVICE and living somewhere with decent reception. Then we heard from a guy in the midst of a break up from a lady who seemed to be that perfect kind of crazy, but in the end turned out to be just regular undeniable crazy. Will suggested that he pop the question to her because the two of them are just too stereotypically perfect for each other and their children will be the saviours of all gender based prejudices. Jason of course was more level headed and told him to just let her go to voicemail and never respond. Or get married and crank out seven idiot babies, whichever is easier. Next was a fellow who has a pattern of dating women with children who don’t get any child support and refuse to go after it, to which WILSON responded that it’s probably because these hoes is cray-cray and don’t have any concept of personal responsibility, or they know their exes are such wastes of human life that it would be an exercise in futility to try and get the court to garnish their $6.25 per hour Walmart greeter paycheck. Jason mentioned off hand that the reason his ex’s new man probably doesn’t want to meet him is that it might change his opinion of her and they’ll break up, to which the Pendarvis Proclaimer responded that if the two never meet, there will never be any conflict between the two of them, ever, until one gets pissed that they haven’t met the other and decides to break in to the other one’s house and reupholster a Barca Lounger with their entrails so that they can get really well acquainted. Next was a guy who’s been divorced a good few years and started dating a new lady but he never introduced the kids to the new lady, but the mom tried to say that dad left for the new chick. After all that has been cleared up, the kids started getting to know some of the new lady’s family and the mom is being an uptight bitch about dad telling the kids that this lady’s family are gonna be around and you can think of them as family, just that they’re not any blood relation, to which WP the mother fuckin’ 3 advised him to just say “SHUT THAT CUNT’S MOUTH OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND FUCK START HER HEAD!!!” After that was a call from a dude who got pretty close with a lady he had known for a good bunch of years and after she got pregnant and they were all ready to start a family, she left, lost the baby (which would have been twins), then came back and took his truck and his house, and now he wants to know how to move on from something so fucked up and harsh and the long and short answer is that you could move all your stuff into the crawlspace over her bedroom and masturbate into the same spot on the ceiling until it eats through the sheetrock and lands on her face while she’s sleeping, or just get right with yourself and get away from the situation cause there’s just no fixing it after everything that’s happened. Next was a dude who wanted to know how one goes about getting divorced for the second time and then letting the first wife try to start dating you again, which is basically voluntarily committing to a massive level of suffering, the likes of which would make Auschweitz look like a Cabbage Patch Kids nursery and would endure for a thousand centuries, through the throngs of a million wars worth of violence and despair only to culminate in the implosion of the planet’s core into another dimension where the cycle would repeat ad infinitum, until the history of the universe came full circle and you were reborn to live the same existence again. Last one to get through, we heard from a guy who had a kid with his lady and did his best to be a good dad, but every time he goes to visit and has the kid out of the house more than 4 hours she starts blowing his phone up like the Manhattan Projects final result, and he wanted to know how to calm that bitch down so he can spend some time with his child so that they don’t turn out like so many other shitty children. Unfortunately, the way the world works, the only way to do it is to go to court and work out an agreement in the eyes of the law. OR..OR OR OR… Kill her and bury her in a shallow grave five miles outside of town then go on about your day like nothing happened. BONUS ROUND some guy’s ex is getting divorced and wants to get back with him and he’s wondering what the hell to do, which (short answer) is beat the brakes off that pussy and move out of state, or (long answer) murder, shallow grave, tacos, mechanical bull, learn paper mache and start a new life selling crafts in a little border town in Belgium. SMOKE BREAK but not for WILSON cause he’s being good and sticking to his word.

 

MMA NEWS if  you should be interested to hear it, Nick Diaz is under investigation by the UFC for his drunk driving arrest last week and TMZ is reporting that he tried to make himself vomit so he could get under the legal limit and is now adding the charge of attempting to destroy evidence to his case. CALIFORNIA POLICE, AM I RIGHT? Alexander Gustavson is all over the place in MMA these days and will probably be getting a title fight. Sluggo Boyce might have allegedly had botox and while this has very little to do with MMA, it’s fair to note that it may have been in his knees rather than his face. There’s some more fights coming up and stuff, it should all be entertaining for the fans. Rory McDonald was having his fight music picked by someone other than himself and somehow his phone number got leaked or he bought a new phone or something and he got all the crap and Nickelback a person could never want all due to a hilarious wrong number misunderstanding. Some Russian lady on a motorcycle is personally taking on her own crusade against litterers by pretty much Mad Maxing her way across the former Soviet Union. She’s also taking on assholes who illegally park in handicapped spaces. Tully found a video of a rattlesnake fighting a road runner and son of a bitch the animal kingdom is a mysterious place cause the road runner snatched this fucker’s head in his beak and then beat it unconscious and consumed it whole. The guys took final calls on things and stuff, and stuff and things, people are appreciating the changes in the music lineup now that Jason is sort of in charge of things. People called about littering and snakes fighting squirrels and DUDE DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAVE BLACK SQUIRRELS IN CANADA?!?!?!?! Shit is crazy, guys. Well folks, it’s the point in this recap where there’s not much more substance to be written and I need to clean the dried pre-cum off of my abdomen and start getting ready for work.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/15/2014

fuck-this

Dingo weighs in on Airbnb.

Hey sisters! How was your weekends? Guess what. That’s right, it’s Monday! You’re so smart. Now let’s see if you can wrap your head around this recap. So sounds like Jetta got canned, he no longer works for the show and I think he may have known the day would be coming. Dingo’s starting to look like an animal, with his hair on his head & his hair on his face. Ellis took a shit and vomited at the same time at 5:30 this morning, but he’s doing great and so is Dingo. So what caused the metal shit vomit episode? Dunno. Could’ve been Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles or the forced beer or a combo of both or maybe none of the above. Hey, Dingo was in Denver this weekend, on purpose, he wanted to be there. Smoking weed, visiting a grow room, scoping shit on Airbnb (which Tully has tried to use before), watching The Misfits (sans Glenn Danzig), in the Grenade RV, etc. Turns out this house they stayed in, they were being filmed by the creep who owned the place & who touched Dingo in a funny way. It sounds like a super sketchy time at Creepy McDaniels’ house of love, leaving Dingo to think that he’s done with Airbnb. Turns out one of his friends got scammed by someone on Airbnb. So if you’re keeping score, Airbnb experiences thus far have produced an uncomfortably creepy situation and a scam where someone lost money. You can piss out your ass, but it’s not really pee, it’s poo water. Tully took his kid swimming this weekend, his kid had to pee like 3 times in an hour, so there they are, waiting in the bathroom to pee. Some dude was standing there trying to piss with open sores and toenail fungus going all gnarly, so much fungus it looked like it connected two toenails. That was just on the left foot, right foot, same fucking deal. Fungal bridge on the toes. And here’s Tully walking all barefoot on the same ground as Fungal Man. Contrary to popular belief, Dingo did not save a life this weekend. So Ellis went racing UTVs this weekend, jumping this shit out of the UTV. Get this, he won his race, but he got disqualified because some 15-year-old and his entire family protested. Little shit took Ellis’ trophy, man!

Mayweather fight was this weekend, $75 fucking dollars for PPV and Tully’s wife wanted it, so they got it. And then she passed out in the 4th round. He’s the biggest draw in boxing, but everyone is losing interest in his fights, even gamblers in Vegas. Boxing talk went on for awhile and I kind of zoned out. Horse Force in New York tickets are on sale, if you can make it there, you should. MMA News time, Andrei Arlovski was back and knocked out Bigfoot Face Sliva. That was surprising all the way around because nobody even knew Arlovski was still around.

dominated

Dingo & Cumtard getting dominated was awesome!

Speaking of ass kickings, dominatrix Hudsy Hawn is in studio today to dominate Dingo. Immediately, Dingo was talking too much (surprise!) and almost got gagged. He got cropped and was told to kis Hudsy’s boots while saying “hello”. Hudsy rode Dingo like a horse. Dingo learned what CBT stood for, “cock & balls torture” which he got threatened with, he was completely unsexy about the entire thing. He got felony stopped and hand cuffed and we learned he uses his right hand to jerk off. He was stripped down to his underwear and started getting flogged and thanking his mistress for it while asking for another. He was told to wear some chapstick and sing “I wanna be loved by you…” and “I’m your Dingho Mistress Hudsy” and “Mistress, I’m your Dingho”. Several times Ellis had to tell him to shut up because he just keeps talking. The punishment? Mistress Hudsy stuffed his shorts in his mouth. He was taught his left from his right and made to crawl up on his mistresses lap where he received a paddling for each year of his life. Dingo was reduced to a female Elmer Fudd, almost in tears, begging and thanking for his whippings. Dingo got a little chubbed up from his experience. Which of course made Cumtard jealous, so he had to experience a couple of paddlings too. He was asked a couple questions and got a good paddling each time he answered, it was fucking hilarious to hear him scream how much he loves comic books and such. I’ll tell you this much, this dominatrix knows her shit, that’s for sure. You can tell she’s a professional at this shit. It was amazing. She had Cumtard going full tard and bringing him back just enough to start answering a question before he went full on tard again. He was forced to do some promos for show while the mistress helped him along. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was thoroughly entertained between laughing at Dingo & Cumtard and the dominatrix was actually super interesting.

taking-a-shit

Chicks love pig skin talk. That and shitting in a field of flowers.

Today is LGBT community center day, so if you’re interest you go to their website. I don’t know what it is because I didn’t get a chance to write it down. Some Chinese dude died from jerking off. He was donating sperm for the fourth time in the same day and didn’t come out for 2 hours. Staff found him slumped over, not trying to suck himself off, but dead. So after kicking off the football season with knocking out fiancees, it’s time for some NFL talk. Is the NFL evil? Do they support beating women? Are they motivated by money and Satan? It’s highly doubtful, but maybe. Anyway, this basically turned into a long discussion about beating women and how fucked up it is. Then we finally got to some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. It started off on real bright note about Adrian Peterson and child abuse! Jesus. Let’s try it again. Finally, finally, some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. Wait… here comes Will and now their talking about renaissance fairs. Let’s try it again, again. Finally, finally, finally some NFL questions for Dingo & Ellis. Nobody on the show knows shit about the NFL so they went around the room for a quick overview of what everyone knows about the NFL. Still no questions though. Let’s try it again, again, again. Finally, finally, finally, finally, some NFL questions for everyone except Tully. Here we go. It’s gonna come. Any minute now. Almost. Real soon. The first play of a game is called “the opening” what? Answer: Kick off. How many men on a team are on the field at all times? Answer: Eleven. There are 8 offensive positions, name as many positions as you can. Answer: I’ve gotta go sit in traffic so go Google that shit if you don’t know. I almost missed the remaining questions while I sat in traffic, so I hope you listened like I did – because I got nothing for ya.

Justin Bua and Urijah Faber called into the show. You may remember Ellis recently had kind of an awkward moment with Faber while at the TUF premiere. Sounds like things are all good, a little touch and go, but good. Faber still wants Ellis to be on his cartoon about fighting stories, but his cartoon character might have a tattoo on his neck of Urijah’s name. Fair enough. Oh, Dingo’s dad is in the green room. Dingo will be going to Australia on Wednesday, and Ellis bought plane tickets to go to Australia at some point too, so he can no longer back out of it. This lead us into the signature segment, “Come inside my third brown eye”, where Ellis interprets the dreams of listeners. Will got things started with his recent dream where he actually woke up screaming. He was in a reptile pet store and heard a loud crash, glass is everywhere and there’s a baby on the floor covered in snakes. This is where Will woke up screaming. The interpretation? Will is terrified that’s he’s going to fuck something up with the show or break something and all that responsibility is getting to him. Tully finished off the show with some interesting stats about the world and it sure made living in a developed country look just as appealing as it is. And that ends seals up the recap. Were you able to wrap your head around it? I hope so, because you won’t be able to ask your mom, she’s got her lips wrapped around my pee-pee. OH!

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Show Recap for Friday 9/12/2014

If we had feathers what would we be like? Would we fly like eagles or just realize that nobody can escape from the dreaded curse of male pattern baldness? Also how many people would kill themselves trying to fly off cliffs? Crazy how nature tends to weed out michael-keatonthe stupid. The guys talked a bunch about how Hollywood is turning actors into pussies and that’s why Mickey Roark is all mangled up from plastic surgery and has to box so his face can get beat back into recognition. I wasn’t paying much attention because that’s usually what happens when people start talking about Hollywood and actors. But on to something way more exciting, MMA! Everything was pretty much the standard punch kick wrestle talk except for a little Japanese bruiser named Rin Nakai who is fighting Miesha Tate. A Canadian guy who knows a stripping hypnotist named Hypnotizerca called in and asked if Jason knows him too. I believe he thinks that because all the Canadians know each other and they assume all of us Americans know all the other Americans too. Well Canada you’re wrong, there are way more of us and we don’t all have to huddle underground together for half the year. After such a good belly laugh at the expense of others they talked a originallittle about that wife beating cock knocker that is plastered all over ESPN. But more importantly than that, science has developed dude birth control! Now you never have to worry about dropping internal loads in that crazy bitches carnival and having her ass lie about being on the pill when she isn’t and then you getting stuck with a baby because she refuses to sit on the business end of a hanger. Score one for the guys!

Horse Force tickets are on sale now for their debut performance, Saturday October 25th at the Gramercy Theatre in New York City!
photo (1)The Palin family is back in the news but not for being incredible retarded or for fucking moose. This time they were in a Palin family brawl at a friends birthday party because on of the patrons was telling one sister how he’s like to put his hockey stick into her sisters goal. I think she got jealous because nobody wants to sink their puck in her net. This was a fantastic into for What’s The Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Done? Here are some of the ones I bothered to write down, a dude broke ankle to cover lie about breaking his ankle, a guy shot himself, another guy on mushrooms wiped his ass so much it started to bleed, Cumtards tried to make a fist print in hot asphalt and got burned like your sister at prom, and another proud member of the man club for men drove His car into a lake while getting road head. At least she didn’t bite.

Shave a shark at sharksavers.org. Welcome back to a brand new segment that I am officially calling Christians Live Music Moments. Here he has taken live clips from concerts and television performances and isolated the vocals just 0058to show how good or horrible some singers really are. Which are good and which are bad? Hell if I know, you should’ve listened for that kind of detailed reporting but here’s a list of the acts mentioned. Hole, Rush, Nirvana, Kesha, Iron Maiden, Brittany Spears, The Who, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Nikki Minaj, Metallica, and for the finale, ladies and gentlemen, The King, Elvis Presley!

Arnold Schwarzenegger used to be the governor and like many governors do they get a portrait of themselves made so everyone can see it in the governor-schwarzenegger-portraitMuseum Of Portraits Of Govenors. The only thing about this though is that his portrait is six feet tall and there’s a smudge on it where there used to be a little picture of his then wife. But because he’s getting random trim on the daily he just colored over it with a sharpie. After this my app crapped out and I missed a bunch. With a bit of investigating I found out that they did some Wolfknife names, the only two I know of are Bitey McRabies and Bloated Sasquatch. We salute you! I bounced back in during the final calls, lucky me, and sat through the last 20 minutes of people not knowing if they were on the show or not. It was exciting but not as exciting as watching yer mum get ready for football season, OH!

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