Show Recap for Thursday 8/28/2014

When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90′s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.

In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.

On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.

So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I know..it’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from TheFrisky.com decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”

Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.

For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.

That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox

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Show Recap for Friday 8/29/2014

What a mother fuckin ball busting week! This is the first show I’ve been able to listen to in Skateboard-Ramp-Failits entirety. Good thing too otherwise this recap would be even shittier. Ellis began his monologue saying that he remembered that he thought he couldn’t do a trick but he tried and then he did plus many more he didn’t think he could do then he was number one. That my friends is called inspiration, so grab a skateboard and be inspired. Just try not to break your dome in the process. Tully said his job isn’t to inspire but to crack jokes and read the New Yorker so we don’t have to. He’s doing a great job at it also. My job is to break shit and tell jokes about yer mum, and so far so good. Remember the Ellis hotel lesbian Wolfknife workout party? Well now it’s going to probably be moved to a gym so it will be the Ellis Gym Lesbian Wolfknife Workout Party. There’s some UFC fights this weekend, seems like I said this last Friday, just to be preemptive for next Friday, there will be some UFC fights that weekend too. Tully is going to spend part of his weekend watching shitty movies and loving them.

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Coywolf don’t give a shit. Coywolf will fuck you up. Coywolf will fuck your bitch and not call her again. Why? Because it’s a mother fuckin coyote wolf and is now taking over the north east, that’s fucking why!  Ellis and Tully did a bit of Faction music cleansing by deciding what songs shouldn’t be played in the four hours Ellis has control and what songs shouldn’t be on Faction all together. Unfortunately they took calls on some of the music and this again proved that the callers are idiots. Faction is a menagerie of music from rock to punk to hip-hop and most everything in between. If all they want is rock then listen to Liquid Metal, Octane, Lithium, Classic Rewind, or Classic Vinyl you fucking tool bags. I love listening to Faction because of the variety and not all the songs I like, but that doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t like it. Except that one song, that song is a pile of flaming shit.

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In Breaking UFC News the UFC is going to start their own year round random drug testing. majestic_pooping_wolf_640_01This will make a more level field for all competitors. Then they played Ellis jeopardy, hotdog won. I’m not going to elaborate on the game because we’ve all heard it before and if you haven’t then you suck. After the game they assigned more Wolfkinfe names. Again, if you haven’t heard this either then you double suck. But if you have then we salute you.

In yet another Breaking MMA News, Joe Soto will fight Dillinshaw tomorrow. The other dude pulled out due to health concerns. Mainly his pussy hurt too much and he was bloated from retaining water. Have you ever met a celebrity? Was it weird? Well if so then you’re not alone because today’s new bit was Weird Celebrity Encounters. Starting us off was Will with a story about Andy Dick trying tokingandy get into his car while he had his kids with him. Weird. Here is a summary of most of the other stories. Sebastian Bach thinks dudes are better with tits, Bruce Willis is a dick, Andy dick loves the bible, Shawn white can’t play poker for shit, Andy Dick is indestructible, some dude fucked some lesbian Disney kid, Tiger Woods doesn’t want you touching his fucking clubs, Lou Ferrigno yells so he can hear himself, Tony Yayo is an angry mother fucker, and one dude turned down a threesome with Ron Jeremy and yer mum because she had more body hair than Ron, OH!

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Show Recap for Wednesday 8/27/2014

Much like Ellis has been doing over the last couple of days, this recap will be like shit in a bag.

Much like Ellis has been doing over the last couple of days, this recap will be like shit in a bag.

Ever had the kind of stomach problems where you had to shit in a hat? Me either, I usually assume sick degenerates like Cumtard are the only ones that are reduced to scooping their own poo into a bag so the doctor can tell you if you have worms or something. Well add Jason “Cat AIDS” Ellis to that list of sickly bastards. He doesn’t really have cat AIDS, he does have some kind of feline disease called Gertrude or some shit I couldn’t hear it clearly. So he’s gotta take some stuff, see some folks and he will be back to normal poopies soon. In other Ellis medical news, the doctor cleared him for physical activity so he is ready to get back in the gym and stop being such a fatty fat fat. And also he got picked up to race UTV’s on a team, so woooo racing talk.

Humpty

Short disclaimer before I continue, I was in and out on most of the show because the SiriusXM app is a steaming pile of shit on top of a anal cyst. So I will give you what I can, when I can, and you’ll like it because you are a dirty little bitch like that.

Still no Tully today, he is still suffering from EbolaSARSAIDSplague, and can barely get out of bed to wash his fever sweat soaked ass. Shout out to his infectious ass, get better soon, because Satan knows the show isn’t the same without him. Hail Satan.

In Tully’s place providing a wall for Ellis to bounce stuff off of is Christian Hand. They talk for an hour or so about straight razors and this company that makes battle axes and swords and shit. They are BaxterofCA on IG, and they shaved Jason’s head with a straight razor for a promo. Check them out if you like that old timey type of stuff. I checked it out, seemed cool enough if you’re into it.

After the break we came in with Katie and talk about how Bieber did some shit and paparazzi and blah blah blah. Maybe I’m just a bitter asshole, but maybe nobody outside of CA gives a fuck about the shit. CJH mentioned how Everlast wants to pay 3 paparazzi a million bucks a piece to follow that TMZ dude around making his life hell. Jason thinks having people following him around asking him offensive shit would be great, and he’d just start telling them how he was shitting in a bag earlier because he has cat AIDS. (Again, not cat AIDS, I just like cat AIDS).

CatSick

After the break, Katie started off a fun segment about creepy dudes. Apparently, there is an ‘Other’ inbox of messages on Facebook, and one single dude had sent Katie over 200 messages about how they should be together, and he thinks she is just the bees knees. The messages did start to get a little creepy when he started calling her a double flusher for not responding and accepting his love. I should have written down a lot more of things that were said in his messages, but suffice it to say, fuck you. Christian checked his inbox and found a long, detailed post-breakup rant from his ex Adrianne Curry who once fucked him with a strap on. (foreallyshow.com). After the show shared their stories, the callers opened up with stories about dudes who tattooed their names on their chest, followed them home, hired drug dealers to burn down their house and of course broke into their house and left one single item on the porch, to let them know they were there. Ah, young love.

Finally, we got to play “What’s in My Ass” with Joanna Angel. We weren’t finding out what was in her ass, however. The recipient of all the glorious rectal torture was none other than Jason Ellis himself. Don’t ever say he isn’t a team player folks. The basic gist of the game is Ellis puts his hole up in the air with his face on the floor like a good little girl, and Joanna puts stuff near his bum and he has to guess what it is. Just a few things that were put onto his Brown Eye:

  • A wet marshmallow
  • A vibrating mouse cat toy
  • Toilet Brush
  • Tooth Brush
  • Hair Brush (Pattern?)
  • Meal Worms (Holy shit.)
  • Ice (mellow)
  • Feather Duster (Gayyyyyyyyyyy)
  • Shock Collar, cranked up to 10 and shocked his anus. (DING DING DING)

That was all good for a laugh. Joanna Angel has a radio show on Channel 791 on the Sirius XM “Works all the time 50% of the time” App on Tues from 1-2. Check it out, she talks about getting dudes off, and they have a lot of creepy callers. Your Mom is basically the OxyContin John of Vivid Radio.

 

Well, either the show ended or I stopped writing notes. Just kidding, after that it was final calls and just general bullshitting about this that and the other. To be honest, my heart just isn’t in the thing as much when Tully isn’t there. Ellis is good at firing off random topics, and Tully is the perfect man to catch them as they come and turn it into a deeper and more hilarious conversation. Nothing against the CJH, but Tully and Ellis have that rhythm that comes from all the years of talking to only each other, and it simply can’t be matched. Often what I see happen in these shows is Ellis’ brain set on random just fires off in every direction, never landing in just one place, so the show becomes this singularly long tapestry of conversations. It’s not the worst thing ever to listen to, but it sure is fucking hard to recount without typing one thousand words. Well, on that note, I’m at 990 now so it’s probably time to go. Go. Go. 1000.

 

 

 

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/26/14

I’m on a conference call!!!

 

No seriously, we’re testing out a new auto repair information system.

 

It would be awesome if I was gonna still be working here after the end of next month.

 

But fuck it, cause at least I might get a password that I can pirate to make side money on my own time #CellPhoneSwashbuckler. And besides, the Jason Ellis show is taking a day off.

 

I’m gonna go get a burrito.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/25/2014

kattan-pm-dawn

Don’t get it? It’s okay, it’s a joke from Foreally Show.

No Tully today – he’s not feeling well, so we’ve got Ellis, Dingo, & Christian James Hand. Maybe Katie later too. Some no talent kooks have moved the chairs, the camera, and whatever else they could, part of that whole sharing the studio thing built into the contract. At around age 8-9, that’s when kids start snooping through mom & dad’s shit and finding, weed, porn, pistols, lube, Christmas presents, and what have you. Supercross the Dragon vibes himself when he see’s his own reflection in the mirror, he’s a moron in the human world, but in the lizard world, he’s probably your average bloke. Dingo knows where Supercross’s dick is hidden, you may remember Dingo would cradle his dog’s balls because the dog liked it that way. Ellis has a new hand PG rated fuck you finger, he puts up his thumb & index finger as if to be saying this is how big your dick is. Ellis saw Chris Kattan at a liquor store. Oh, no. Ellis wasn’t there to shop for liquor, he was there to shop for flowers. Anyway, Ellis thought it was a dude that worked at the weed clinic where Ellis got his doobage, but turns out, nope, it was Kattan. Ellis said he looked like shit and couldn’t even bring himself to take video of him. Once and for all, is John Travolta gay? Gee. I don’t know. But who cares. Jake Ellenberger punched Ellis in the face for 4 or 5 rounds this weekend! Also, there’s cake in the studio!

News time will Ellis. A German man was evicted by his landlord because he persistently used a squeaky sex swing in his apartment, which frequently bothered his neighbors and caused many complaints. Suge Knight news, he got shot a bunch of times on Sunday evening at a Chris Brown party or some shit. Ken Block news, Ken Block got 2nd in a big race this weekend. And there ya go, Ken Block news. Moto news with Dingo, pee on Dungey, that loser! And now, time for a game, it’s You Sir, Are A Moron. From the green room, who would be your choice for navigator in a rally car? And here comes Dingo with his story about the one time he changed a flat tire in a rally race in the desert. Would you rather be a worried genius or a happy idiot? Based on your karma, you will come back re-created as what? Or as Dingo called it, “reincanarnated.” Pound for pound. Do you give up porn or weed for the rest the of your life? If you were at Heaven’s gate & God asked why he should let you in, what would you say? I missed a question or maybe 2 in there some where, but you’ll live.

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Am I qualified to report the news?

MMA News time. There were fights. People fought at these fights and some people won their fight and some people lost their fight. Cung Le’s face got rearranged by “I know where you can get a great steak” Bisping. Ben Henderson got knocked out in the first round. And there was more stuff, you can Google that shit. Street League news time. Nyjah Huston won everything like everyone predicted because he’s the “it” guy right now. More moto news time from moto correspondent Dingo. Ken Roczen won the 450 motocross championship and likes pissing on people while they’re taking a shit. All this makes perfect sense because he is German. The fuzz is investigating Steve-O for his prank stunt against SeaWorld, where he changed a highway sign to read “SeaWorld Sucks”. It only took 2 days to get up on the sign. Katie keeps sending Ellis photos of hot chicks during the show. Some dumb chick is suing some dumb show she was on because she was too dumb to realize what the dumb show was about. So dumb. More ALS challenge videos, some dude put Icy Hot in his pants, ate a pepper, and… ahhh fuck it. You’ve seen a million videos of this shit. Jetta is falling apart and we’re hearing it happen live, he edited out the main portion of the video Ellis wanted to share. Ellis is black, he loves fried chicken and he was *bah dah bah bah bah*, lovin’ it.

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No Tully makes R2-D2 sad.

Hey, you know that whole Suge Knight got shot story? Well it doesn’t end there, some chick got shot in the ass during that whole incident. Shoebox is trying to his best Tully impression by giving us news, but nobody is having it. And now it’s time for shock pictionary. Cumtard will be drawing while Katie & Dingo try to guess versus Jetta drawing while Ellis and Shoebox try to guess. Team Ellis was winning with a commanding lead until the end when Cumtard, Dingo, & Katie found some synergy and came back. The game devolved into a constant shocking of Cumtard & Jetta until both were left helpless and in the fetal position on the floor. Once the game was wrangled back in, Team Ellis had 20 seconds to guess 1 final drawing. It didn’t happen so Team Tard ended up winning the game. Last 10 minutes of the show, Greg Fitzsimmons stopped by to help close out the show and drop some knowledge on motocross, because he’s such a huge fan. He talked about his shows Monday night on Howard 101, his Prius driving skills, his kids soccer game, and his 1 hour special on Hulu. He was texting his wife about his 13-year-old son’s soccer game and eventually asks what she’s wearing. Turns out, it was his son doing the texting on his mother’s phone. Awkward. And there ya go. That’s the show for this Monday. There’s a good possibility that Tully might not be in tomorrow either, so prepare yourself for that. He will be back when he’s no longer sick. Good night, and good luck.

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