Ellis is always looking for new intro’s, buttons, drops, etc. for the show. So we took it upon ourselves to make some more – good, bad, or otherwise. It’s always fun to make them even if they never see the light of day. Although, some actually have! Give them a listen!
Everyone is doing it, it’s been going on for about 2 weeks now. Why aren’t you? Everyone is not only challenging their friends, but also trying to raise the game. You’re just going to do the bucket of ice water over your head? What about that, plus getting tazed? How about that, but after getting punched in the face by an MMA legend? There are all kinds of scenarios you can add to the mix, but that’s not the point. The point is Lou Gehrig’s Disease. That and The Jason Ellis Show. That’s what we’re trying to bring attention to here, a disease, and The Jason Ellis Show. Also, you could be really cool and donate to an ALS charity.
With that, I give you what’s been called “baseball’s Gettysburg Address”. Lou Gehrig’s speech to a sold-out crowd at Yankee Stadium. Only it’s not.
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I see you accidentally stumbled upon the Friday recap again, welcome. Today’s show started on a rather sad note, Jay Adams died last night in Mexico from a heart attack. We morn the loss of one of skateboarding’s godfathers. On a brighter note, Ellis fought Keith Jardine, got gassed, got knocked down, and hacked up a couple lung cookies but he had an awesome time. Speaking of some awesome fighting skills, here’s Beiber hittin pads. I’m sure this is just a warm up. Either that or it’s his “time” and doesn’t think his Tampax can hold back the mighty flow erupting from his vagina. As mentioned yesterday Ellis got called out for the Ice Water Bucket Challenge so he decided to have Keith “Hollywood Hitter” Jardine punch him then have the shit poured on him but Keith faked the first punch and Ellis called for a redo and then it was all good. Ellis called out AJ, Rob Corddry, and someone else who isn’t dingo. I can’t remember but here’s the video so you can figure it out for yourself. Ellis mentioned some dude who mentioned another dude that has hit a woman before and Ellis isn’t cool with dudes that hit women. Neither is NYA so if any of you other dudes that read this think it’s okay to slap your bitch up once in a while or show her whose boss or put that bitch back in her place with a shoe across the grill is mistaken. But if she stabs you with a knife I say go for it, otherwise just enjoy your sammich.
No matter how healthy or unhealthy your diet is, it’s mostly wood. Yummy. Christian came in studio with samples of terrible hip hop from celebrities who should never do hip hop. They were all terrible so if you want heres the list and you can go find them your self on the interwebz. I’m A Celebrity by Spencer Pratt, I Love You by Tila Tequila, Poppa Zow by K Fed, The Situation by The Situation, You Send Me by Brian Austin Green, Rappin Rodney by Rodney Dangerfield, City Of Crimes by Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd, Freak Of The Week by Ron Jeremy?, Wise Guy by Joe Pesci, ? by LeBron James, Kobe by Kobe Bryant, I Know I Got Skills by Shaquille O’Neil, Right Now by John Sena, Beach Patrol by The Hulk and Hulkamania, and ??? by Floyd Mayweather.
Randy Couture came in studio and I missed the first bit and came in when Randy was talkin about some lady getting up in his face about something. I soon figured out that he was talking about Gym Rescue so I’m pretty sure I really didn’t miss much. Not only is Randy on Gym Rescue but he also got to bump knuckles with Stallone and talk fighting while filming the Expendables movies. Then they talked about people Randy punched, people Ellis punched, people that other people have punched. Then they talked about acting, actors, and acts that other actors have done. It was a fantastic interview with the Academy Award winning Oscar nominee, Randy Courture but unfortunately it was far too much to include here so you’ll just have to listen to the interview on the replay like all the rest of the common folk.
A 7 year old boy was bitten by a 5 foot Bull Shark in Lake Pontchartrain in Louisiana. I know you’re saying that the lake is brackish (half salt, half fresh) water so how can a shark be there? Here’s some knowledge that I’m droppin on your ass about sharks. Now that you have educated yourself, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game that can hardly be recapped but is hilarious to listen to, The Google Game! The entries were, Can Justin Bieber…, Can Mel Gibson…, Will Angelina Joli…, Is Danzing…, Has Hulk Hogan…, Was Kobe Bryant…, Is Seven Segal…, Is Dennis Rodman…, Does Tara Reid…, and finally Is Cher…
After the break Keith Jardine from Ice Bucket Challenge fame sat in with Tully and Ellis. They talked about the UFC and the upcoming fights and punching people in de face and getting punched in de face and everything else about punching and getting punched and then the show was over. It was exciting like watching yer mum try to figure out which fat roll the Cheeto fell into before the dog finds it, OH!
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It’s what we’ve all been waiting for since Ellis signed off on Tuesday, guys, it’s time to find out what went on in New York City in the big contract meeting of doom that may or may not have been all that doomy and equally may or may not have involved lots and lots of use of the Daddy Voice!! As you probably know there was a ‘Best Of’ in place of the regular show for Wednesday as Ellis took a trip to NYC (we over here on the East Coast just call it The City because we all know that, really, it’s the only city that matters) to talk contract with SiriusXM big-wearing wigs…or maybe the wigs are big and the guys are small…or the wigs just look big but they big bosses have small heads…whatever…SiriusXM BigWigs were Daddy Voiced into submission by Ellis and then he returned to California to be the voice on the radio that you didn’t listen to today (I assume since you are here reading this lovely recap on this even lovelier website) and he is happy to be back under the California sun and probably even happier because all of the bullshit is over and done with. Ellis informed us that it was sunny in NY as well, which actually surprised the hell outta me since I woke up yesterday morning and my car was floating down the driveway, just about, thanks to the twelve inches of rain that fell a mere 45 minutes east of Manhattan…but no one really cares about me, everyone wants to know what’s up with the contract!!!!
not gonna tell you yet though cause before Ellis talks contract he needs HotDog to get him some coffee and by the way HotDog, do you ever go out in the sun and OH NY GOD YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR BACK OF THE NECK HAIR BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS AT LEADT THREE LEVELS OF OFFENSIVE! Back of the neck HotDog hair (and btw saying hotdog hair in my head as I write this has made me never ever want to eat a hotdog again cause…ick) was exposed when HotDog was telling Ellis that he does go out in the sun and yesterday while Ellis was negotiating his still hairless balls off, the Hotdog and family were at Universal Studios doing it up Gangster Style with a VIP ultra inclusive behind the scenes tour- so take that!!
On to the juicy- Ellis stayed at The Night Hotel in NYC which he explicitly did a shout out for because of how much they fucking sucked!!!! Ellis laments that he was late to all of his meetings because his key card to get into the room was constantly faulty and he didn’t know why he bothered anyway as he was only traveling with a backpack and he only used the room to shower because the bed in his room was 5yo race car bed sized. Total bust. Ellis then went on to say that he wasn’t a fan of NYC in general to which I said, “whatever,” but he was more interested in the grassy bits he had to pass to get back to the airport where he hung out for four hours to unwind rather than try and figure out something to do in THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. But, whatever, kept you hanging on long enough so I’ll get to the contract. WIN. Ellis is soon to be signed on (cause no actual signing has taken place as of yet) for two more years at SiriusXM, though he is not contractually obligated to continue broadcasting in the event of some tragic untimely death in those 2 years. Ellis wasn’t completely handed over control of his own channel but Faction is going to be Faction With Jason Ellis and Ellis has control over 10 solid hours of Faction in addition to being able to add a one hour show, and also he, Tully, Wilson, and Backbone will have more day over what is played on Faction with Jason Ellis. Also, Rawdog Channel will soon commence playing TJES replays on the weekends and one weekend per month there will be a TJES takeover on Faction. To the behind the scenes stuff…starting Monday the show will have an engineer on staff to help with any I that pesky microphone buzzing or spun issues or computer issues or whatever an engineer does to help prevent a wide array of technical difficulties. TJES will also have a Real Producer who has all kinds of credentials and radio street cred who can book fancy guests that don’t want to be on the show now because they communicate with Cumtard. Sorry, love you Cumtard. The show has also been given a bigger budget and approval to do more remote shows and things like that to let them interact more with all of us wonderful fans!! Ellis is pretty happy with the whole thing and says that it’s probably better he wasn’t really given his whole own separate channel at this point in the game because he never really realized how much went into all of this shite and he doesn’t really want to be aggravated about what’s going on on the radio at two in the morning with some stupid DJ doing something moronic that doesn’t involve doing kettle bell swings between playing songs. Ellis talks a little bit about plans for October since there will be no Ellismania this year and it seems there will be some sort of event going on in that terrible New York City place October 18 – 26 involving HorseForce, maybe a cricket game, and an EMX qualifier fight. I got bummed a little bit cause I have a wedding to attend on the 19th…but then I was like ‘weddings are for getting drunk (such a romantic, I am) so who’s gonna care if I show up hungover and proceed with some Hair of the Dog type cure?!?! Fucking no one.
After that talk turns quickly over to the fact that Ellis is going to be racing UTV’s Saturday and Sunday at Lake Elsinore (thank you google for spelling assistance on that one) and everyone and anyone is invited to check that out. Ellis is a little wary because he has to bring the kiddies and he knows Devin isn’t going to be all that into it, but you know what, tough shit. Sometimes being a kid means doing things and going places that you don’t. Tully is quick to agree with this because he has suddenly found himself being a parent who goes to the park every night because that’s what his kid wants to do and he doesn’t really want to go to the park every night but not he’s caught in the vicious cycle of routine. They talk back and forth about the good old days before portable computers that fit in your pocket where you had a grand old time playing with sticks and rocks and the magic substance created when you added water to dirt. Ellis thinks kids today are nowhere near up to the snuff of kids of yesteryear and if he were five years old today going up against any of the five year olds of today, he’d be able to shit whip any of them. To subject you all to my own perspective, Hubbs and I are currently knee deep in the whole issue of having a kid used to his iPad or going to fairs and festivals or bounce houses every weekend and, now that he’s five cannot stop telling us how bored he is if we are not constantly entertaining him. Ugh. Seriously he tried telling me the other day I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to leave him in our fenced in non-pool backyard for two minutes the other day while I ran inside to gets his nerf gun. I dealt with this by laughing, telling him I’m sure he would be alright standing on the porch alone for two minutes and taking my sweet ass time finding new batteries for the nerf gun. Ellis took a couple of calls from fans congratulating him on the contract and electing themselves for a one hour show and we got to hear from OxyCotten John whose idea for ‘Sober Hour with Oxy John’ is a decidedly terrible one.
Back from the break there is a guest in studio who looks like Ellis, is from Australia, and has no idea what TJES is just that’s he’s heard that he looks like the guy who hosts the show…his name is Paul de Gelder and he even sounds a lot like Ellis except that Ellis has that twinge of American in his accent that reveals that he has sold his soul to America. Paul de Gelder is a former Navy Paratrooper/diver kind of guy, which he explains is like the equivalent of being a US Navy Seal who is a current Motivation Speaker and Shark Weeker and Shark Attack Survivor. In other words, he is Ellis’ future Aussie Bestie. They went through Aussie Bro-downs throughout the interview- talking about drinking beer, where they grew up and went to school (which from the way they talked was pretty close to one another), and Ellis expressed a lot of envy over Paul’s robot arm, robot leg, and shark attack story. What was the shark attack story? Well, to try and nutshell it, Paul was swimming in Sydney Harbor for a training exercise and was on his back when a shark came swimming along, thought he looked enough like a seal and chomped into his right thigh. Paul said his first instinct was to do what, by now, we’ve all heard is the thing to do and try and poke it in it’s eye and punch it’s nose, but he wasn’t completely able to because the shark also had his right hand which had been at his side and he couldn’t quite reach it with the left hand. The shark pulled him under the water and started in on the death shake which ripped out his hamstring along with other thigh meat and destroyed his hand. He gets out of the sharks mouth and goes to swim towards his safety boat when he realizes that he can’t swim with his right non-hand and bitten leg and does the best as he can with his left side while trying to keep his right arm above his heart (which he credits to his army training). He gets pulled on to the boats by his friends and promptly passes out and they tourniquet his leg and awakes to his friend Tom-O punching his chest because he thinks his heart stopped and Paul was dying. Paul says this is when he started thinking “today sucks” and the seriousness of the situation sunk in because his friends could not stop swearing and he made the request to Tom-o to “get someone to look after my motorcycle” cause, Aussie Priorities, yo. He was given lots and lots of drugs for the pain including medical grade cocaine (Red Dragons) and after having his hand amputated and the Doctor telling him that if they saved his leg it could catch on fire and he wouldn’t even realize it, Paul recalls telling the doctor, “Doc, just take my leg and turn me into a terminator.” This guy was really funny, I loved it. He talked about his robot hand and prosthetic leg a bunch, describing the different things his hand could do like ‘beer drinking mode’, ‘nipple gripple mode’, and ‘robot gentleman mode’, and demonstrated to Ellis and Tully a button the sir that made it go all floppy. They talked a bit about fighting and training and how they have twin floppy noses from being broken and Ellis catching punches with his nose as a fighting tactic, and then they talked sharks. Paul holds no Ill will towards the animals and, in fact, loves them and is up to his eyeballs in Shark Activism to save the sharks as they are being killed off and as Apex Predators (aka the things at the top of the food chain) killing them has very far reaching effects that would come to harm humans as well. He mentions that he’ll be going in Shark After Dark that night for Shark Week on the Discovery channel (he was awesome, I watched ye replay of it at like one in the morning and he was super funny and charming and didn’t let Chelsea Handler’s epic plastic surgery face spook him) and he talked a bit about the special he filmed for shark week called Great White Matrix which will air on Saturday involving studying Great White Pups and how they learn to be Great White Predators. All in all he was a great guest and will hopefully be back as a guest in the future after he moves from Australia to Los Angeles with his Beauty Queen girlfriend. He was a great, very entertaining and charming guest and if you have On Demand I would definitely recommend checking out Paul de Gelder on TJES, and in the meantime check him out on social media he is pauldegelder everywhere.
Back from the break following the Aussie Bro Down invasion Tully brings us some random news stories which included some guy who was a caretaker at an old house and found a bunch of whiskey from 1912 that was valued at over a hundred thousand dollars and proceeded to drink it all and then die before he can get prosecuted (from something that probably wasn’t related to drinking all of that whiskey). Also some old lady managed to fly on a plane without paying for a ticket but she won’t explain to the media exactly how she dd it because she’s an American and doesn’t want the terrorists to know. In other news more directly related to The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis has been challenged to the ALS ice bucket challenge by Sam Schacher and he wants to make it really awesome because he’s been challenged a couple of times and this time he really has to actually get it done. They toss ideas back and forth and take calls from listeners where Ellis thinks about doing a Moto jump through a sheet of ice, but eventually settles on getting a bucket of ice water dumped on his head after being punched by Keith Jardine since they’re sparring in the morning anyway. And Ellis is gonna make the $100 donation to ALS research as well.
Next up Tully has a clip of yet another weird and disturbing Canadian PSA which featured puppets singing a song about not putting things in their mouth. It was cheery and prolly should have been remixed to include a ‘that’s what she said’ after every line and I got a good tweet out of it involving me sucking Hubbs’ cock so it didn’t bring me down. Will comes in to get some Wolfknives names out of the way and they only do a couple because Mike Catherwood showed up (leaving me wondering what happened with the whole Heidi and Frank versus Ellis and Tully password game that was discussed on Tuesday) so welcome to the pack Pool Hogan, Gamma Gangster, Wet Blowjob, El Guzy, and Shark Dick!!!!
Mike Catherwood is in the studio for yet another show within a show, but this time it’s a different show within a show with a sick into called Fuckline. So, you know, it’s like Loveline except with Dr. Ellis and Dr. Tully cohosting and a lot more cursing and a lot less beating around the bush using sciencey sounding words. It was a great, hilarious segment that was not lacking for calls from fans looking for advice in their sex lives and we mostly learned that most sex acts can be made successful with the use of poppers and vicodin. It also comes out that you either have sexual chemistry with someone or you don’t and if you’re wife just wants you to whore fuck her all the time there are deeper issues in the relationship, but if you masturbate so much that you no longer want to bother with the whole intimacy thing thn you should just whore fuck her and get it over with. A call comes in from a girl looking for advice as she’s been getting sexually suggestive picture messages from a coworker at in opportune times, but Mike calls out the caller ‘Tiffany’ as Sam Schacher and tells her it’s alright if she’s really calling about the anal sex problem she and her husband have because he’s hung like a horse. Another female caller who wanted to suggest having a female cohost for Fuckline gets brought in on the call and advises Sam to reach for the tequila and feel lucky that she has Luxury Problems. Fuckline was really hilarious an was interspersed with conversations about what could be making Ellis’s jaw all cracky and painful and what he should do about it. They settle on the fact that it’s probably TMJ caused by chomping down on too much Beave…and talk about Luxury Problems! Haha…I’m sympathetic to the whole TMJ thing because I suffer from it and it really does hurt and it’s really annoying and it was always mildly embarrassing getting it treated because I got the treatment from my boss and another coworker and they would routinely advise me to refrain from sucking so much dick…and I think we all know how well that worked out.
And that’s about all folks!!!! A great show this Thursday, sorry for the delay in posting the recap!!!! Xoxo
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CLERICAL WORK ALL DAY BITCHES!!! FUCKIN’ FILING AND COLLATING AND SERVICE REMINDERS AND ALL THAT CRISPY OFFICE SHIT WE MOTHAFUCKAS DO BEEYOTCH!!! It’s a good way to look back through the year and find out how many typos I made though, so it’s not all bad. Luckily, the most awesome background noise ever exists and it’s the Jason Ellis show! Today kicked off with Ellis reminding us that his balls are still SMMOOOOOOOOOOOTH as eggs, despite the mileage on them. As we in the auto industry have known for years, proper maintenance is key to getting the most out of your investment. It’s good to keep track of how your boner reacts to different stimuli, cause diet and exercise can affect so many different parts of how your body functions. He’s also dreading the day that he walks out of his bedroom in his pajamas and has to explain to Linsanity what an erection is. Jason was washing Devin’s hair the other day and his incredibly bald penis was noticed and traumatizing. Jude was still glad that Jason got the wax though, cause it was his idea. The guys talked for a while about murkins and the history and popularity of fake pubes. Jason and Jude chatted for a bit about the contract negotiations and how Jason is flying to New York tonight to talk to the big guns tomorrow about it. The guys discussed the new show “How Big is your Dick” with Dingo, and how there may not be much substance to it, but you can really separate the wheat from the chaff. They also recapped their own experiences with their own penises while I sat at my desk, angrily fellating a burrito, questioning the ebb and flow of everything that happens in the world. The guys put out an open call to the ladies who listen to the show to ask what they talk about with their friends in terms of swallowing a cock or if the guy they’re with can’t make them cum, but that didn’t really pan out as much as they probably were hoping, but a male ER nurse called in and apparently all the ladies in triage are some grimy bitches and will sell out any mother fucker they meet, just cause they can. The guys got wind of an ice cream social happening in the lobby of the building where their studio is, and Jude was planning to head down there to try and pull down some strange wool cause it’s never a bad time when that happens. Also, it’s the Sirius/XM company barbecue today, which seems really impractical to try and do in a downtown LA high rise office building, but apparently it’s a thing and everybody in the green room is putting back ribs like pork was about to go out of business. Jason saw the new movie “Lucy” and it was a tremendous pile of shit, but Morgan Freeman was electrifying as always and Scarlet Johanssen is a treat to watch prancing around in tight clothing, so definitely worth bootlegging. Jude told a story about one time when he was fucked up on ketamine watching a documentary about prostitutes and all of a sudden started hallucinating that his mom was a whore and he had a half-black brother, but luckily it was just the drugs talking. This got the guys to talking about those poor souls who attempted/seriously considered aborting their kids and at some point they start saying stuff like “I love you” and then things get weird. They also talked about exit strategy for a cheating relationship and how if you start fucking someone else, the smart thing to do is actually lie about it and break up with them for a totally bullshit reason just so you’re not fucking up their life cause you’ve got problems being monogamous. One guy called in to talk about his parents confessing to their entire church they planned to abort him, with him there, when he was like 13, cause they’re the best parents ever, if you’re into that sort of mind fucking. Jude has plans to give a guy a ride for drugs tonight cause sometimes your dealer doesn’t want to meet you at the train station, especially to move a lot of weight. Jason was on Dr. Drew On Call last night and talking about Robin Williams and the whole War Machine/Christy Mack thing and shit got intense cause the corpse hasn’t had a chance to cool and the authorities haven’t picked up War Machine to sort his internal organs out. And of course, Jenna Jameson had to step in to give her two cents on porn stars getting beat up by MMA fighters, and in her own inebriated haze she didn’t make much of a point other than that her 15 minutes are over. She also made it a point to sort of silently call out Tito Ortiz to try and get him hemmed up for some shit he had nothing to do with. Luckily though, she was so obviously perkin’ on some kind of shit that her bovine feces was completely transparent, like a pane of immaculately clean glass. The guys took a break so that Jude could get to his day job and the Jason and Tully could go get some barbecue before it ran out and forced them to roast Hot Dog over a burning garbage can.
To bring back talk about Robin Williams’ death for a minute and how much humanity needs a culling of the herd, in honor of Shark Week, a fuck ton of restaurants are claiming to add shark to their menu, cause sharks!!! Fuck you, it does have plenty to do with Robin Williams because he wanted to give us all a little bit of magic, despite the fact that he clearly saw all the shit wrong with us and the world we’ve made for ourselves. In other news, Jason brought back the Imperial Death March when WILSON walked in to talk to him about his plans for the next day or two. It’s probably gonna be a best of tomorrow, cause The Wing has a fucking busy day of showing up at 5 in the morning and generally threatening the management to honor their original deal or their suffering will be legendary, even in hell. Tully suggested trying to recreate the Anthony Cumia firing debacle just to see if he could spin it into something hilarious. The guys discussed with WILSON how Jason could manage his time effectively to do the meeting, and a 2 1/2 hour show and have a nap and make it to the airport in time to get back home, but it all sounds like heavy weather, New York traffic, LA traffic, and the world famous New York subway C.H.U.D’s are gonna be doing their best to keep it from going smoothly. Oxycottin John called in to remind Ellis that he could just do the meeting and take the rest of the day off to go do something fun, like go to a dungeon, or eat at Hooter’s. Seems like Ellis is gonna sort out all of that completely on the fly and we’ll find out tomorrow whether he does a short show or cruises alphabet city for a place to pour candle wax on somebody. The guys took a few suggestions from the callers and there were some half decent ones right up until some guy suggested dinner and a trip to the sex museum. Hot Dog suggested that Ellis ask Dingo to fly out and have lunch with him and Diddy after the meeting, except that he may have been stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and have no concept of what Dingo is actually doing or if he can get ahold of Diddy that easily. One caller suggested a Wolfknife meeting, but it’s a little too up in the air to plan anything on that short of notice. Tully watched Sharknado 2 and gave his recap of it, cause it’s Shark Week, and as terrible as it sounds, I still have no interest in sacrificing an hour and a half of my life to see it, but if you’re looking for a masterpiece of nonsense on film, I highly recommend Manos: The Hands Of Fate. A friend of mine showed it to me and it is quite possibly the worst movie ever made and that’s what makes it awesome. The guys took a break to polish off the Tard seat cause Kevin has another treat cooked up for everybody.
In Coonan MacGrubee news, Jason knows a lady who thinks she’s having sex with him but doesn’t have a DNA sample to prove it, but he also seems to be getting a big head over his newfound popularity in the UFC, based on some comments he made at a press conference recently. Then again, a bunch of people who never heard of him think he’s the shit right now, so it’s understandable that he might be feeling like his dick is way bigger than what he normally believes it to be. Hopefully, all the super Irish smack talk won’t turn into a recreation of my performance at EllisMania 8, but only pay-per-view will tell. There was some more talk about UFC stuff and Jason got cold feet about going to New York cause of the shitty weather reports and not having anything to do in the afternoon there, but his spirits were lifted when Cumtard came in to reprise his trademark musical segment, Tard That Tune!!! The tracks Kevin covered this time around were as follows:
1. Rage Against The Machine – Down Rodeo
2. Something I never heard and they didn’t say the name but it sounded like shit so I don’t care.
3. Owner Of A Lonely Heart by whoever the hell wrote that pile of shit.
4. Sugar Ray – Every Morning
5. Guns N Roses – Welcome To The Jungle (the audio of which was used to leave offensive messages on several people’s voicemail, and then was used to make a button)
6. Something else that I couldn’t identify and they didn’t say the name of
7. War – Cisco Kid
8. Sir-Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
9. Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
10. Led Zeppelin – Black Dog
11. Katy Perry – Dark Horse
12. And finally, that one 80′s song with the saxophone solo that refuses to die that I learned today was called Baker Street.
Upon finishing this segment, the guys found out that there’s a lot of songs that Kevin tries and don’t make the cut, so they told him to crawl his ass in the dumpster and fish them out cause that shit has to be amazing. After that, the guys took a break to polish the Tard chair because the Tard sat in it and that’s always a good reason to clean off the furniture.
The guys came back from break to talk about all the hot meat and nuts they were shoving in their mouths while the music was playing, and for Jason to take a fat rail of caffeine off the fizzy head of a can of Monster. Then they talked dinosaurs and shit for a while and how wooly mammoths were probably the only animals that can pull of the whole “tusk” look. There was talk of Pompeii and how everybody probably died ther not from hot lava, but from the most destructive planetary fart ever which released a blast of 600 degree terraforming fury all over those ancient simpletons. Last time Tully was in Japan, he rode a train through Hiroshima and so the guys talked about the A-bomb for a while and how as soon as meth cooks figure out the formula, the South is fucked. In a vain effort to drum up more Canadian listeners, the guys put out a call to Canadians to see if they could find a person from each province to see if they could guess the highest ranked Google search terms. While they were waiting for Canadians to invent the telephone, Tully played a PSA from 1980′s Canada starring an alien named “Ass-Star” reminding everybody that “Only smoking can prevent bleach-drinking children from raping strangers in a forest fire” cause apparently that was a real problem back then and it needed to be drilled into their heads that it was a real situation that the public needed to get under control. The first Canadian, an Albertan, got on the phone to guess some of the most searched terms and he got oil fields/pipelines and then the string that connected the two soup cans broke and reception was lost. Another guy from Nova Scotia guessed where to find a job, but he was wrong because murder, assassination and torture are all really big there in the Scosh right now. Next we got a guy from Saskatchewan who guessed that people on the internet are way int the Sask Rough Riders, but he was wrong because Saskatoonies are still way into NNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKELBBBBBAAAACCCCKKKKK, green poop, ice fishing, dubstep, bestiality, fisting and beavers (hopefully none of them in conjunction with each other cause that makes me not want to go to Canada anymore). A lady from British Colombia guessed that her fellow BC residents are constantly Googling weed cause it’s so common and it wasn’t cause stoners aren’t that proactive about anything, but they love MDMA, booze, gin, MDMA (again), hangover cures, breat reduction, feces and dominatrixes. A guy from Ontario where I’m headed guessed that the most common searches were election and bilingualism, and was pretty close cause conservative/liberal party and Steve Harper (their village shaman) were top searches, along with Drake, Justin Bieber, the word “hoser”, escort service, black jokes, “how to murder”, Ashley Madison, Asian Jokes, and autopsy photos. A dude from Quebec called in to act French and better than everybody even though the Canadians hate the French as well, and he guessed that people are searching for Ashley Madison, but it seems to be a localized thing in Ontario cause in Quebec people are looking for answers about masturbation, deep web (whatever the fuck that is), Limp Bizkit, golden shower, the mafia and of course poutine (you had to know that was going to be there). Another guy in New Brunswick thought that his fellow citizens were looking for info on abortions or police shootings, but the most common questions were about crossfit, maple syrup, deep throating, lesbian porn, amateur porn, and theft. A fellow from Manitoba guessed that people were looking to learn about Slurpees and murder, and he was wrong cause people there are looking for more to know about Rick Mercer (some dude who’s maybe a comedian or something), falafel, twerking, skateboarding, graffiti, rough sex, Stan (just the word Stan for no legitimate reason), overdose, poison and sniper. A guy from Newfoundland called in to guess that his neighbors were Googling boats but then he got into the local vernacular and shit got real weird so Tully just told us that Newfies are looking up hunting, anal sex, cocaine, vodka, hairy and BBW (combined, being the most common search items) and constipation. Nobody called from Prince Edward Island but they’re all checking to hear more about weed, penis, vagina, russia, depression, diarrhea, Shania Twain and being drunk. After a quick breather, the guys did some final calls and watched the video of a guy doing a burnout in a modified gas powered golf cart, and Jason talked about wanting to have a female boss that he could seduce for a raise. Ellis keeps throwing out the ideea of an everyday, high quality wear-about wig just for fucking with people or whatever and I can’t help but think of him going for the same thing from the Apple Juice music video thinking everybody else was liking it despit how obvious it would be that something is very VERY off in his appearance. There were some more suggestions about what Jason should do while he’s in New York and dirt racing and getting a rub and tug after an important business meeting and how Tim Silvia should hunt down that War Machine asshole, cause really, anybody but Dogg the Bounty Hunter, for the sake of the rest of us. One guy called to ask about hepatitis B like they would know about it, but the guys made it abundantly clear that if they were medical professionals, they probably wouldn’t have a dick and fart afternoon radio show.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,